Sometimes I just don't get it.

I have a hard time investing in nuanced thinking and things I consider concrete or matter of fact. It’s no fault of anyone other than my self. In a way I’m being oblivious, or on some level obstinate. I’m at my worst when someone is being ironic or sarcastic about something I haven’t considered in regards to them. My tendency is to take things at face value. I can turn skeptical or cynical at the drop of a dime, but that’s usually just a defense mechanism when, for one reason or another, I’m put on the defensive. I’m predisposed to take things as they are.

Usually someone deadpans a line about something that I didn’t expect, and I think “Huh?”, “They can’t be serious?!?” and I will say something in response that takes what they say literally. The usual response I get is, “I’m not serious Will(ie).” I usually say, “Oh, I didn’t think you were.” Which is a half-truth. It’s hard for me, and hopefully everyone else, to not be judgmental.  We can’t be indecisive in life and also be responsible. Judgments in a colloquial sense are choices and predispositions towards one thing over another. So, to not be judgmental I’ve become pretty ambivalent about things that happen “in the moment” as far as what people say, what people do, what happens. I just don’t know people deep down, all I know is what they give me and what I presume. When this is just based on what people say and do, and I don’t get to see a lot of that, my reaction to people is to not react. When I do react, I’m probably not going to react the right way because I’m already assuming I’m not going to get it. I have learned over time that this is really frustrating to people. I also know that I can be really insulting when I react by throwing out the weak assumptions I can recall in response to something someone says that was sarcastic or said in jest. I’m doing myself a disservice because I’m throwing out assumptions I’d already kicked to the curb, and by bringing them up I sound like I’m judging someone. The reality is I’m just confused as to why a person would bring up those kind of things.

It gets confusing for me because there are two tracks of humor that I apparently get mixed up: Self-Depreciation and Satire. I know a good number of folks who make light of their lives by putting their flaws out there, making light of themselves. I also know a good number of folks who make light of situations by pointing out how ridiculous they are through personal examples or anecdotes. Anymore, it gets hard for me to tell one from another because I’m ambivalent about so much. I don’t assume I know who one person relates to or how another person relates to their self. So, I just fall back on not assuming.  I don’t know enough to have a valid opinion, which is fine as long as I’m content with some level of apathy. As long as I don’t really care about a person or a situation, my detachment goes unchecked. But when I am actually invested and motivated to Feel, that’s where I have the most potential to completely screw up and alienate myself by saying something half-cocked, off-base, insulting, and contrary to my intent because I’m throwing out those weak assumptions and ideas trying to figure out what someone is getting at when they are being sarcastic or satirical while I was in my literal la la land.

I’m at my weakest when I fall back on knee-jerk reactions to reconcile my confusion about a situation, taking shots in the dark just to get my bearings back. Does that make me a simpleton? Maybe it does? Then I think, is all this sophistication necessary, or is it just alienating people from one another, a means to differentiate one group of people from another? Like inside jokes and things like that, that create an atmosphere of inclusion and exclusion? My gut reaction is, that’s beside the point if I’m offending or alienating people because I miss the point of something they say in passing to make light of a situation or themselves, or both? The problem is, sometimes I can’t tell the difference, and regardless of that person’s intent I get confused, and wind up in a Catch-22 situation. Do I ask a question and ruin the joke? Do I try and play along when I’m obviously confused? Do I do a combination of both and make things even more confusing? All I know, is that by doing anything I run the risk of offending and alienating myself from any person I was being social with. I don’t know of anything more alienating that feeling like you risk being judge by what you say and do, by people with which you want to establish or maintain friendship. Because of that, I know it’s got to be really disappointing when someone you thought was your friend throws out assumptions about you that attack your character and motivations, regardless of intent. Having those extremes, would anyone want to be friends with someone if things could go that bad, that easily? That’s what really disappoints me right now, acknowledging the distance that really exists in my relationships with friends, family, acquaintances, etc. In general I want to keep the apologies to a minimum in my life, not because I don’t feel I have anything to apologize for, but because I don’t want to make people feel hurt or offended. Knowing that I have is disappointing. I am disappointed in myself, but I’m also mindful that self-pity is veiled passive-aggression as I understand it. Overplaying shame for pity's sake, seems disrespectful of another person‘s emotions when they are offended. Out of respect, they should be allowed to reconcile their emotions on their terms, in their time. So, it’s a challenge to stand for something, for sake of argument let’s call it Righteousness, and not offend someone, without everyone being forced to have a relativist viewpoint. There’s something “off” about imposing relativism. If we don’t have relativism across the board to some degree, peoples’ opinions are always going to potentially offend someone.

Knowing that I probably will offend people, particularly people I care about, with any political, spiritual, philosophical, or otherwise view I hold and express in action or word is an alienating proposition. That’s what led me to ambivalence in the first place. Ambivalence feeds my confusion and apprehension. Confusion and apprehension muddles my reactions. Muddled reactions undermine and compromise the communications I have with other people. So why communicate with me? The alternative would be for me to be as decisive in my communication as I am in the personal action I take in my day to day life. In the end you get the same result, people will judge me on what I say and do, the positions I take or reject. Or not. There are so many outlets for social interaction, so many relationships we can maintain through mediums that would have evaporated decades ago because of distance and time, outside of conventional correspondence. I think about the deterioration of society and our ability to relate to one another in ways that aren’t superficial, and I feel like even the things people used to call “deep” are superficial, because we can only go so far with them before we alienate ourselves from each other. Thinking and feeling like that makes you wonder if it’s worth it to try? Is it just better to shed situations that require compromise and more effort to communicate and relate? To be honest, I don’t have a solid opinion, because the obvious ideal answer should also be the practical one, but what I observe in reality undermines it. What does it matter what I think is correct if everything at work around me is working towards negating it?


I just know I don't like making people feel judged or misunderstood, and I don't like feeling judged or misunderstood.  I do accept responsibility when I am wrong, be it malicious intent or haphazard/ careless actions, or any other manner of ill I inflict.  I know the feeling well, and want to avoid it as much as possible.  I also understand I bare the responsibility for my actions when I do royally screw up and run rough shod over a friend or stranger in the process of sorting my thoughts and feelings out in words and actions.  It's an ugly process unfortunately, one I prefer to keep to myself in all honesty, and my failure to do so is a failure indeed.  You have to learn to know better, and you have to know to do better.  I've been lazy, and it's time to learn again.