I’ve been procrastinating on this blog for a few days. I know exactly what I want to write about, but haven’t got around to committing it to text. The subject is intellectual reproduction supplanting biological reproduction. Or in layman’s terms, not having kids, and living on through your example or the ideas you share with others. Consider it a very personal form of reducing your carbon footprint.
In the realm of emotional costs and benefits, commitment vs. liberation, having a family is a noble and worthwhile expense for people who can make that leap. It seems, based on the behavior of a lot of people, that they can’t afford to make that leap and stick to it. Their relationships don’t last, they emotionally divorce themselves from their families emotionally etc. etc. etc. It’s all one manner of alienation or another.
I’m not alone in not having children. I know a decent amount of people in my generation, and a growing number of people from the previous one, that don’t have any kids, and may never have any, for whatever reason. Some of these people are childless by force of nature, some by circumstance, some by choice. In some cases our priorities aren’t topped by procreating, and that pursuit isn’t a pursuit at all.
Back in college I met a Barista who expressed a desire to remove their self from the gene pool. I think being exposed to their thought process played a part in me recognizing how biological reproduction, at its best, was a pretty powerful demonstration of acceptance of yourself, and your partner, physically and mentally. Ideally you are putting everything that is yourself biologically in a raffle with the same of your partner, and in addition you’re bound to your partner to raise and provide for this being who will be a reflection of your biology and your personalities via your mutual or exclusive efforts to be parents. That person-to-be goes forth into the world as your legacy. That’s not always how they are treated.
The worst-case scenario is that in biological reproduction a child is just a consequence of an impulsive act of gratification devoid of any consideration of your or their future. Another worst-case scenario would be children conceived solely to be bred as replications of their parents regardless of their own will and desires. I personally find that to be incredibly egocentric and potentially counter-productive since one of the key features of adolescence is self-actualization and differentiation. Authority figures and rigid impositions of will don’t usually go over well with teens trying to assert their identities.
All that considered, it dawned on me that I may be removing myself from the gene pool, but not from life. The push to maintain our health and emotional well being via a sort of recreational perma-adolescence rings true, but the balance required to achieve this and also be a responsible adult (not to mention parent & romantic partner) is something very few of us are prepared for. Our culture hasn’t really put a lot of value (actively, because actions speak louder than words) in commitment and perseverance when it comes to negotiating relationships. “the Heart wants what the heart wants” after all. Who cares if the heart has been sold a bill of goods with the shelf life of a worm on a line?
I value family greatly, and understand the functional utility of one generation supporting another, and the love that engenders motivating the young to care for the old when they are unable to care for themselves. I find myself actively and passively deciding that my only contribution to the world will likely be of an intellectual and material nature (if only in my personal sphere of influence). Part of the reason I grow more content with this comes from the realization that most of the good I’ve shared with people in my life comes from sources that predate most of the people who’ve been involved in my education. There’s nothing novel about my experiences in life, or my families, but they are Personal, and that is important, if only to us. My biology doesn’t limit whom I can share that with. The only thing required is empathy and understanding. If you embrace those things toward a person, the nature of the relationship and communication your share with them stands to influence you as much as one with a relative might. Being kin to someone gives them a head start, a certain amount of built in credibility, but it’s no guarantee that you’ll have a positive relationship with that person. It’s wonderful when you do, but with this generation of folk I’ve known, as was the case with the previous, there is a rift between generations and a lack of identification. It’s changed as we’ve gotten older, but there are some cultural rifts related to the lapse of certain values and traditions. The result, as far as I can tell, is that people identify more with their peers and mentors of their choosing.
As far as I’m concerned, I realize that if I choose to not pursue parenthood, then it’s my responsibility to create a means to provide for myself in my old age or if infirmity renders me incapable of providing for myself. That, or I have to share enough good will and love with the people in my life to inspire them to willingly share the same when I am in need. No matter where you stand on having children, you can’t shake your connection to the rest of humanity other than self-destruction in the most literal sense. I value life, and recognize the selfishness of that act. I may be selfish and self-centered but I also value the people who constitute my social existence and the ideas that have made me value them and life itself enough to want to communicate them to anyone who’s interested and discover more of the same. That exchange of thoughts and feelings is one of the finer things in life as far as I’m concerned, and satisfying enough for me to not see any purpose in furthering any Abrahamic ambitions in the proliferation of my genes. It doesn't hurt that people are sharing their genes, but not much love and wisdom, and there's a generation of children in desperate need of the things I have to offer as an empathetic adult who doesn't have biological children to share with. Working where I do, I'm hoping I can share what wisdom and empathy I've got with the next few generations in a positive way. If I can, that might just be contribution enough for me to satisfy any internal need I have for a legacy in this life. Time will tell.
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