Hate You ( pet peeves about love & lust mainly )

The song was like a  bolt of Black Lightning for me in the midst of "The International Incident", the misguided affair that really amounted to a summer fling that I'd propped up to be the Love of A Lifetime to justify the lengths Eve & I went to escape our realities with each other.  I was young and foolish, and she was only 3 years older than I was, and we were both in mourning.  It was a mess, and the betrayal I felt in how it all unraveled, in such a predictable, redundant fashion, was enough to get me to draw my guard up for half a decade and then some.  When it ended, I was dejected, but still in love, with the idea of sharing love, accepting love, falling in love in tandem.  But instead I was kicked to the curb, shat upon.  Definitely not a positive reciprocal relationship.  But I didn't get mad, I got sad, and jaded, and then I heard this song on King's X's first post-Warner Bros. album, in a sense their "break-up" record with their major record label, and at the same time, from what I gleam, marital problems were a part of their extra-musical reality as well.  This song was a perfect example of  Willard Harley's "Love Bank" gone wrong. To cut to the quick: You can only Hate someone you love because you won't let anyone else get close enough, or get away with enough, where you would let them hurt you bad enough that you'd hate them for what they did.  The idea of Hate being the product of one person's love run up against the injuries the object of their affection inflicts on their heart makes total sense to me. Love makes us vulnerable, and vulnerability makes us defensive, nye hostile.

Anyway, I don't have Love to throw around in the least, just small morsels of affection that I might toss in someone's general direction now and then, but I'm hesitant to even do that because the landscape is so ragged.  People have ruined themselves, ruined relationships, ruined romance because they've gotten into the habit of accepting and normalizing substitutes and half-truths to fashion false companionship and commitment.  People have gotten so fearful of getting hurt and being vulnerable that they adopt actions and habits that take the risk and worth out of their emotional and physical interactions.  They treat emotions and bodies like tools and toys that can be worked and played out with little regard. Relationships are like a child's christmas present, boring after a few exiting moments and something better comes along to occupy your fancy.  It would be great if people were more discerning with their hearts, their passions, but the reality is, it's not discernment if it's always after the fact, after you get instant gratification, that never lasts (so how is it even gratifying?).

It's obvious that I'm old fashioned.  I'm of the belief that fear of commitment is part and parcel with a fear of consequences.  We can't avoid consequences, and I think it's childish and foolish to try and ignore or minimize them.  I think it's better to accept what they are, what they mean, and make a strong effort to forego them by using Wise judgement.  Every time we try and tell ourselves "it's cool, i'll be that.  It ain't no thing." when we know we're tripping, messing up, it's so demeaning.  It's like saying, "You won, I can't beat you, so I'll just pretend it's alright."  Bump that.  It ain't cool.  I'm not content with being compromised or settling for some whack half-cocked  scenario where someone tries to have their cake and eat it too or have it both ways when that's impossible.  I have fully embraced the notion that you can not serve two masters, you will Love one and Hate the other.

I believe that Love brings us peace.  I believe Love brings us inspiration.  It's fair to say I believe God is Love incarnate.  Love rules my life, Love is my Master.  Though it may not be what brought me (or anyone into the world) it's what inspired my parents (or anyone who raises a child, their own or otherwise) to care for me when they could have let me lie and rot after I was born.  I love Love, it is the essence of Goodness, Righteousness.  I love the idea that it means honesty, commitment, loyalty, sacrifice, compassion, empathy, dedication and all those other good traits.  Therefore I have grown to understand that it's only natural that I hate dishonesty, fickleness, selfishness, apathy, unfaithfulness, and all the things that usually come with people trying to get over on other people to have their way or circumstances on their own terms, rather than the altruistic ideas that have inspired so many for thousands of years.  Those emotions and states of mine lord over our hearts and minds, disturb our peace, breed conflict and strife.  They will make a slave of you if you let them, and if you are a slave, hate is your master, your god.  You can't serve two masters.  You either love peace, or you love conflict.  Your actions will prove this out by what you bring to situations in your life.  If you are a slave to hate you will feel spite towards peace wherever you see it.  If you have Love as your inspiration your heart will sink when the threat of harm looms.  Our existence is only justified by the act of loving life. Anything we do that is counter that is hateful.  We are made to love. Our world and way of life no longer reflect this.

That may be the only romantic concept I still have any faith in.  In the core of my being I believe that the reason society and culture are crumbling and we're losing generations is because we stopped putting any value in the idea that building lasting relationships supported by idealistic behavior by all parties involved is worth the work it seems to take.  Stable societies are built on stable people, and stable people are raised up by stable families.  Instead we are a society of survivors, who have come out of a lot of dysfunction.  We are blessed to come out of it functional, but lack the distance and ability to guide the next generations through life in such a way that they don't repeat the same mistakes unnecessarily.  Cycles of psychological and physical manipulation and abuse become cultural norms and expected rites of passage into adulthood just because they happened to others in the past.  Pathetic.  Totally Pathetic.

So, if I come off as jaded and resentful about the state of the world, it's because I love the good in it. Seeing this masquerade, this charade, making willing victims of people who in their heart of hearts, just want to be accepted, loved, cared for, appreciated, should sicken us all, but it doesn't.  We let ourselves get used to it, and called it "growing up".  That's not growing up, that's corruption.  "Growing up" is recognizing just how foul that corruption is and working hard to undue it and not visit it upon others.  When I witness people settling for these frauds, the disappointment and frustration rush over me like a hot flash.  I don't hate the people, but I can't deny I hate what I'm made aware of.  I understand what it means to be a Zealot baring witness to Blasphemy or Heresy in those moments.  This thing you're doing, thing you're saying, it's not what you say it is.  You are lying to yourself and everyone you talk to if you think otherwise. Likewise if you think it's okay so long as you're honest about what you're doing.  I want no part of it.  I truly do hate it.

This Could Be the Heart Of Something Crucial

Tonight I NEEDED to make music.  We'd had band practice for 2 or 3 weeks in a row, and for anyone who's been in a band that had the potential get in synch and vibe off each other musically, there are few things that are as cathartic and relaxing.  It was an especially hectic week at work, with less than maybe 20 hours of sleep over the last six days.  I slept more last night, but lost my wallet this morning, which sent the day into a downward spiral of frantic searching, up until I found it, and was free to go about my business.  Band practice was up in the air, which was bittersweet after spending all those waking hours without sleep listening to some great music.

The music I love the most is usually so well executed I can't hope to emulate it without sounding like mediocre mimicry.  Instead I rely on my writing from the past.  I spent my early through mid-twenties trying to find consistent employment and negotiating emotional stress and heartache through songwriting.  I learned my craft and instruments as I learned to live with myself and cope with life, with the ambition of being as prolific as Ani Difranco.  In the span of 3 years I wrote nearly 200 songs.  From those I culled 10 albums, and I never stopped writing, but I reserved writing to being without goals.  No more album projects, just songs for the sake of songs, for the of sanity.  I fully embraced music as a therapeutic device and let go of the idea that it was going to be a trade I could ply into any sort of means of income.  Shifting from the pursuit of getting people to listen to me learn to be the musician, the artist, I believed I had the potential and talent to become allowed me to get on the path to get a decent job that had enough going for it that if it's my career for the rest of my professional life, I won't have any regrets.  The stability that came with that put me in a position to return to music with a clear head, and I'd like to think a certain level of maturity that lets me appreciate the inspirations that fueled my best work early on in the songwriting process when I had fewer skills and resources.  This song is one of those inspired moments, that I am finally competent enough to record and not be embarrassed by the ineptitude of the results.  This is by no means the ideal recording, but it's a good enough representation of the song that I feel joy listening to it, my idea having come to life finally.  It's especially fitting that this song about existential loneliness and the lack of recognition of one's potential came to life when the same things that had me down at the time continue near 10 years later.  Now, instead of writing about being without constant companions to help me fulfill my dreams, I work to create the space and means to fulfill them on my own and share the results of my pursuit with those I care about.  All that said, here's a very important song for me, the guitar melody originated in 1999-2000, and the lyrics were rewritten and the melody of the guitar part altered in 2003.


This could be

Who dares walk on water That resides among us
No one has the power To stride upon the sea
Is that feat required Proof one can enlighten
Those of us encumbered By the lives we lead

This could be the start of something beautiful
This could be a part of something useful
This could be the heart of something crucial

But does it even matter to you


Prayers for the answers Cast into forever
Infinitely pleading Humbled and then emptied
Do they fall on deaf ears Is there someone, something
Listening intently That never will stop loving me

This could be the start of something beautiful
This could be a part of something useful
This could be the heart of something crucial
But does it even matter to you


Are we as the flame is When it is extinguished
Snuffed out of existence How’d it come to be lit

This could be the start of something beautiful
This could be a part of something useful
This could be the heart of something crucial
But does it even matter to you

It Will Only End In Tears My Friend

So, I had this melody from a dream that compelled me to work it up in reality.  When that happens and it comes out sounding like a legitimate song and not just a sketch, there is no better feeling as a solitary musician.  There are usually good lyrics and memorable lines in the dreams as well, but I usually forget them.  Words are so much harder than melodies.  I am a lyricist not because of natural talent, but because of constant practice. I'm not great, but I think I'm solid.  My best work is inspired, but it only shows when I ply myself to the task of editing and revisions.  Most of my phrasing and choices can be improved and the songs that stay in my repertoire are ones that held up lyrically and melodically.  When I luck up on the right pairing of words and melody to suit the tone and mood of a song, it's a bonus.  That happened today.  I started with a bit of a chorus and built the song around that.  The thing was, it almost came off as an eulogy, full of resignation.  I could sense a bit of the message I'd been getting from things I'd been watching, a sort of reverse psychology, affirming life by embracing the potential that that's all their is, and nothingness awaits.  That doesn't jibe with me emotionally, because death can come at any time, and for those who cherish life, letting go is not something that comes naturally.  That being the case, having the notion that "you're done" when this life is over crammed down your throat as the only reality, and thus a reason to "live"  (YOLO for example, live for the moment being another) is contrary, and damaging to your peace of mind.  You've got to let people take life as they see and feel it, keep your own existential revelations to yourself.  It's a personal, the most personal, internal dialogue and bit of perspective any of us could hope to have.  Asserting our own egoism over another person's to validate your own frame of reference is disrespectful.

So with this song, the writing of the lyrics became an opportunity for me to blend the purely emotional with some overarching philosophical meandering, which is my wheelhouse.  I decided to make it a critique, but not of the broad existential crises I normally deal in.  I tried to drill down to a specific struggle in life, one that is a material manifestation of the mental and spiritual crises.  So, with that in mind, this is what I came up with.
 

Only End

All their hollow words, empty promises
shattered into shards, it wasn’t in the cards
nothing left to give, after so much waste
toiling in the past, it wasn’t meant to last

It’s ashes to ashes again
try as we may, we just can’t win
if this is all we’ve got, don’t pretend
it will only end in tears my friend


all we do is work, laboring in vain
punishing ourselves, fussing as we strain
to earn and honest wage, we volunteer our all
they bleed us till we're dry, nudge us till we fall

It’s ashes to ashes again
try as we may, we just can’t win
if this is all we’ve got, don’t pretend
it will only end in tears my friend


all it does is hurt, barbs they hurl
feeding at the troth, oysters bathed in slop
wallowing in bile, swallowing our pride
choking on the truth, this living is a lie
 
It’s ashes to ashes again
try as we may, we just can’t win
if this is all we’ve got, don’t pretend
it will only end in tears my friend

Alone twice over.

The word alone seems to inspire good lead off tracks for albums or ones that feel like they could be.  Here are a few from days gone by that I love.

Ben Harper Gives it the Somber Treatment, and with it being a waltz, you know I love it.

Foo Fighters put their own spin on it  and crank it good, for another fave.  since the title isn't simply "Alone", i don't count it, hence "twice over".

King's X gives it the Aggro Treatment as only they can, without sacrificing the groove.  The Video Vixens always threw me off though...

All that said, it's funny that songs about being alone that appeal to me the most are the ones turn the subject on its head and channel the energy of that frustration outwardly.  I'll admit the Harper song is a little sulky, but, eh, that's Ben Harper in a  nutshell anyway.

Beyond that there's a couple more that broach the subject in their own way that are killer tunes only one of which I could find streaming so far Tea For One

In a perferct world I'd find a stream of I Ain't Goin Down This Dirt Road by Howlin' Wolf off of Disc 3 of his Chess Box, which is one perfect bit of brooding blues, but it's not out there, just an acoustic version that lacks the menace and vibe of the Chess Box version that plays like a meditation.  Here's the Amazon Snippet of the MP3, it's worth the $.99 if you ask me.

I Woke Up In A Strange Place

A song I love, just love, by an artist I was already inspired by, that displayed a depth to his melodic ear that I didn't anticipate, but rang so true to me.  Needless to say, this kind of Rock is my wheelhouse.  Beyond that, the narrative of this story speaks for itself.  Tread carefully out there tonight, and all nights, my party going, substance abusing friends. In the words of the Late Chuck Rinehart, "Don't get too wild."

Me, I'm content listening to this song, as sober as ever.