Happy

This song came into my life 15 years ago, after a brutal summer of transition and revelation.  My world was in upheaval, and this song seemed to capture that experience, it's energy.  It was like a wrecking ball swinging through my reality, which was surreal enough as it is.  Looking back on the last school year, since my life is still organized around the school year calender after all this time, this year has been a trip.  When I think of all that's happened in the span of the last 12 months, it's actually rather dark, but when has life not been defined by contrasts?  Contrast is a constant in my world.

In 1998 a series of dreams heralded in the changes in my mind, and my life.  One came to fruition word for word.  Then  what will be 10 years ago a dream came to fruition in actions, not words, and changed the course of two lives, on of which being mine.  I can't really recall any dreams this year.  It was last year's dream, roughly a year ago this time, that radically altered my course, and undermined my perception of things around me.  It wasn't long before things started to get strange, old threads were woven back into my story, if only to prove they had no place in it as they were, and others were severed after years passing sans a connection.

Though it can be overwhelming, I am blessed and grateful for this life I have, even when I don't know where it's heading, if anywhere other than a constant loop.  I've found some measure of ease and that may be the closest thing I could possibly hope for at this stage in my life's story.  I know, when I heard this song back then, the idea of it playing as the world fell apart seemed like an appropriate visualization for the music.  In these imaginings I always saw myself making it out of the chaos.

Drink The Water

The sweetest siren songs draw you down to drown in a daze, hypnotized and mesmerized swooning in the rapture, an enamored ember adrift amid the glow of a flame long contained allowed to finally blaze.

Life isn't so complicated that it can't be figured out,  Neither are people.  That's why we lie, that's why we keep secrets, that's why we change things.  To keep the illusion of complication alive when faced with being exposed, made vulnerable, found out.

I fall apart at the sound of words I could write with ease, spoken aloud.  Their weight takes on a life I couldn't fathom because I am so unaccustomed to being an audience, directly or indirectly.  I used to want to  know every nuance of my environs, the circles I ran in. Somewhere down the line, I changed.  Maybe when I got used to no one caring about my life, my circumstances, I let myself do likewise.  There are times when you feel you are simply feeding people ammunition.  This is especially the case when you start to hear what people have to say about each other, but not to each other.  Being in the midst of that kind of talk is curious at first, but there comes a time when you just don't want to know some things.  I've gotten particular good with intentionally not knowing, ignoring, or blocking out.

When I am actually asked to recall something, then I'll hold myself to retaining it.  Otherwise, any strong desires I have to know what has or will come to pass convicts my heart.   For that reasons I have restrictions I place upon myself, to prevent me from doing myself harm by getting crossed up emotionally.  I don't have room to be smitten and  entranced by unrequited daliance.  Sometimes you just want to catch feelings at the right time, for the right person, but all you find yourself doing is catching feelings whenever they seem to be communicable.   Being Lovesick isn't the same as being In Love, but it can break your heart in it's own minor way when it keeps you from falling in love.  That's what happens when you emotionally invest in hopes that don't materialize, or dreams you don't have the confidence to pursue. We all have a reasons for doing and not doing, and I know that for me, I have to foster a deep emotional attachment before I can even entertain broaching the high level of social and emotional jeopardy that comes with sharing my affection and a passion for someone and their company.  It gives me time to check myself, and them out.  I have to do it because I'm drawn to emotional vulnerability, which means I'm predisposed to codependency, and that's self destructive.

There comes a time when you realize that all you want is to know you are loved, and be free to feel and express your love of someone else to them.  I'm not free, and it's a two-fold problem.  Part of me sees freedom in detachment and not caring, because I am drawn towards emotional volatility, and situations where I have no advantages or limited leverage.  Part of me misses having my life simplified by knowing love and sharing it, so that my focus is clear and defined. 

I find myself hearing this song, Drink the Water, literally, and metaphorically.  That I should be the Pisces I am and heed the call, go with the flow, be drawn into the currents of my emotions, where ever they lead.  But what good is that if they lead you to your undoing?  That's the curse of the Siren's song.  What if she isn't even singing to you, you just happen to catch her humming, steal a glimpse at her beauty, and find yourself lovestruck?