Thursday, February 14, 2013

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got...

I wish I had that kind of resolve, that kind of conviction, to be content and thankful for my circumstances.  But I'm undone by who and what I am.  That silly phrase that presages upheaval, "The Heart Wants What It Wants." gets the best of me every time.  What that entails is something that varies.

So, for the better part of a year perhaps, I've found myself drawn towards someone. I've written about her, about the precarious circumstances that have left me kicking myself for being so enamored.  You see, everything I know about my situation, about this person, tells me that I am beating up the wrong bush.  Part of it is brutal self-awareness of my shortcomings and flaws, part of it is an awareness of her and other people's perception of those flaws, or ignorance of them.  Then there's her circumstances, flaws, known and unknown to me.  My conscious and unconscious mind have both given me pause and kept me from diving headlong into murky waters that most would assume are shallow.  So why am I drawn?

The most troubling thing about this is, it's kept me mentally engaged on such a level that I can recognize beauty, attraction, sweetness, in other women, even a certain amount of chemistry of whatever sort, but the strength of those connections has yet to trump the lock that this situation, this woman has managed to (un)intentionally put on my passions.  True enough, the notion of the "Love Bank" is in play, and I can't think of any withdrawal that measures against the deposits she's made in kind words, appreciation, general good nature, and personal attributes that I find attractive, most of which I didn't even recognize beforehand because I always saw her as unavailable.  Once that perception changed, it was as if something had changed in my brain chemistry, and perhaps it did?  But what does that matter if my inner mind's eye sees the flaw in my fascination.

Since I've been single, and ready to make myself available (debatable if that latter part is true) I've been troubled by my lack of desire and motivation to advance my interest in anyone romantically.  As much as it feels like that has changed in this situation, it hasn't really.  But the feel of it did, even if it only seemed to do so in a situation that is about as untenable and potentially frustrating and wrong-headed as any I've been involved in before.  I have a knack for getting wrapped up in women who are either in the midst of emotional tumults looking for islands of serenity to gather their whits, aka the rebound guy, or a surrogate for a counselor in the form of an overly involved relationship.  I don't trust my taste in women for this reason, at least the emotional temperaments that draw me in and get me to lower my guard.   Sans that pull, I either accept something I'm not driven to pursue, and let it wither on the vine, or, in its presence, become a man possessed, fixated on something that for all intents and purposes seems like a fool's errand. I dread to find myself on a path to a circumstance I will be resentful of when contrasted with the things I'm seeking to avoid in life, especially when taking the relationships of the people I was raised by into account.

So here in this situation, this cluster-bomb of misgivings, I have emotionally latched onto empathizing for someone who seems to want to be loved, learned to cope with being denied, but probably isn't looking at me to be a source of affection and devotion.  But that hasn't stopped me from wanting something for her, wishing I could be the source of it, even if it seems like the cost of doing so exceeds what I'm willing to sacrifice when left to my own devices, clear headed, and released from the pull of my emotions.  The availability of an opportunity may very well be an illusion.  The difference between knowing better and doing better seems like a small span, but it's a vast chasm.

When you definitely are the wiser, but can't shake the urge to proceed forward down the treacherous path of a predetermined fate all the same, I guess it's fair to say you shouldn't be upset when you get what's coming to you.  The reality is, none of this would be a problem, even merit a thought, if in place of solitude and conjecture, confusion and projection, I just had someone I could always turn to, that always cared, that was available to me, whose time and attention I didn't have to compete for.  That would be a lot easier to pursue if I wasn't so wrapped up in this situation and everything it entails. The nebulousness of it all is suffocating.  I truly need the steadfast gratefulness and faithfulness sung of in this song.  I long to not want what I haven't got, as much as I value what I have, if not more so.

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