Too Much of Not Enough

Silverchair was one of those bands that came along at the right time, under the right circumstances. I just wanted to cheer for them, see them succeed, become a great band.  I wanted to love Frogstomp, but every time I owned it I always managed to get rid of it.  There just weren't enough songs that stood the test of time to keep it in my possession.  But the band grew and evolved, up until the point where when I played, Diorama, the album this song appears on, most of my friends said they should have changed the name of the band, cause it was such a departure.  Little did I know that Young Modern would take their divergent musical path even further from its grungy roots, and I had to get off on my stop before it arrived there.

Diorama was a favorite of mine, and it had a myriad of emotional content, that was the perfect soundtrack to a roller coaster romance that I wanted and dreaded at the same time.  When you're of that mind, the taciturn nature of your emotional condition can be frustrating, for yourself, and for anyone who invests their own emotions into their interactions with you.  Being "Hot and Cold", Non-Committal, unreliable, or any other manifestation of insecurity or apprehensiveness becomes the prevailing condition under which all your social interactions occur.  It's draining.  Then, if you're a considerate person, you don't want to drag anyone into your mess. It will only make them sick of you and your drama, and then you'll be lonelier than you were before.

At some point a person should get tired of chasing their tail, settling for table scraps in place of a proper seat.  That's the sentiment that brings me back to this song.  Especially when I get the impression that the problem is intrinsically internal.  It doesn't matter what the other person feels or doesn't feel, whether your feelings are requited or not.  The truth is, it's how you interpret and digest your reality that determines your happiness.  When you get stuck on a feeling, on someone, it may often have nothing to do with any specific gesture the person made regarding you.  You may just be attracted to who they are, and how they carry themselves, none of which may have anything to do with you.  So the frustration is the fruit of your own laborious mental process, and you are your own worst enemy.

But the truth is, rather than being able to let go of my own feelings easily so I don't get caught up like this, I'd much rather be in the midst of a relationship that was worth holding onto, so there wasn't a vacuum that might spring to life, and need filling, like what seems to have happened to me in the last month or so.  In the end, the void is all I have to show, an active emptiness that doesn't draw anyone in, it only pulls me towards any object/ person that's close enough to reach out to. But invariably they all have enough velocity to escape it's pull, whereas I'm bound to it. This emptiness is inadequate to satisfy my soul. If it can't be filled, I am hopeful, yet saddened a bit by the thought of it passing from me. Its absence will leave me in a better mental and emotional state.  As I have said before, To Want is to suffer.  Why suffer when you can accept what you have and leave it at that?