Human Behavior

So, first off, this is one of my favorite songs by King's X, hands down.  It's the perfect combination of Groove and Grind by my standards.  It's also the perfect title to wrap around this metaphorical experience I had that speaks to my mind state regarding some very personal decisions.  It also taps into my inner skepticism about what's going on around me.  If I really cared one way or another about that, I would have to re-title this blog: Paranoid and link Garbage or Black Sabbath.  For another day...

So, here's the scenario: Someone bakes cookies, and for whatever reason, having a cookie is not something you can do in good conscience.  Maybe you're due for dental work or something?  The cookies really appeal to you, they look delicious, but you pass.  Now these cookies are out for public consumption amongst a few dozen adults who will casually come by and have a cookie or two.  These people are opportunists, but they will have mixed feelings about eating the cookies too.  They will nitpick over who baked them, consider their own dietary concerns, but in the end, they want to eat cookies.  I know this, and the cruelty of being denied what I want by my own good judgement when tempted with these cookies is worthy of poking fun at.  So what do I do? I return for a cookie or two, which I wrap up and store, to eat after my dental work is done.  I also leave a note making light of my conflicted state.

On the eve of a 2nd date with the dentist, with a desire to keep the joke that is my miserable condition running, and nurse the wound opened up by my negative experience, I buy two boxes of Who Nu nutrient packed cookies.  At first I think to hoard them, but instead, I offer them up on display in the same place the homemade cookies were presented for all to consume.  I include a note highlighting their inferior genesis in contrast to the last pre-dental cookie offering.  I eat a few, and in a days time both boxes have been devoured by the same adults who indulged in the homemade cookies that set this all off.  I do witness the baker of the original cookies contemplating how all the Nutrition gets into those delicious store bought cookies.  You know me, I always have an answer, regardless of how haphazardly thought out my presentation of it may be. So, of course I took the opportunity to broach a conversation and offer some sort of "insight".  I piped up with "It's like cereal..." and I may have rattled off some other jibberish that didn't matter to the baker, or myself other than being a failed conversation starter.

Enter Tuesday, the day of the Mint Chocolate explosion.  I am a big fan of Mint and Chocolate together, as is the coworker of mine who's desk is the default display case for cookies and sweets.  She also has the same dentist I do, so, the cruelty of these cookie traps is a conversation piece we can empathize over.  I have been "off of candy" since my dental work, tail between my legs in the sweet tooth department other than dry cereal, instant oatmeal, and unfrosted pop tarts.  It's been humbling.  Well, before me on the desk were Mint and Chocolate candies coupled with Whole Wheat Pretzel sticks, and I must concede a fondness for a good pretzel.  Next to these candies and pretzels lay a familiar tuppleware dish, full of a familiar looking pile of cookies, but with a twist... instead of simple chocolate chip cookies, there were Mint Chocolate Chips & White Chocolate Chips mixed in!  I have never had such a thing, but this looked to be a mind-blowingly good combination in theory.  I had actually seen Hershey's mint chocolate chip morsels on sale at the grocery store, and a year ago would have bought them on the spot and then added them to my "healthy" breakfast cereal, but I did the right thing instead.  I was resolved to err on the side of discretion, treating my diet like my public life.

I returned to my office, pondered my lunch options, attempted to plan my dinner based on that, and had a change of heart. A "devil may care" impulse rose out of the resignation that my lunch choice was ultimately far less healthy than eating a couple of cookies, so I choose to eat a cookie or two to tide me over and go for a healthier lunch as penance.  So I caved and was going to have a Mint Chocolate Chip cookie, but the opportunists had already gobbled them up.  Oh well, too late, nothing new for me.  Part of the logic of delaying gratification, particularly a questionable indulgence, is  that given time the opportunity will pass and with it the conflict, but there's always the potential for regret.  Regardless, while at my desk, I was confronted with a greater temptation, Little Caesar's Pepperoni Cheese Bread.  I went so far as to look up the nutritional information, which was just enough information to turn me away from that as a meal option. I was so defeated when I found out 1/10th of the full amount was 150 calories, I got up, thoughts of being resigned to my instant oatmeal in my mind, and set off to have a cookie or two, not knowing they'd been eaten up.

Sans cookies, what did I do?  I went to Little Caesar's, got an order of Pepperoni Cheese Bread, and Churros.  I resolved to split the Cheese bread over Lunch and dinner, so that the indulgence wasn't so extreme, and shared the Churros with my fellow Mint Chocolate Aficionado and my supervisor.  Timing was such that the Mint Chocolate Cookie Baker happened to pass by to pick up the empty tupperware not long after I'd been called to the office and shared the Churros.  I thought my boss had eaten a last of the Churros, but she only took half.  It didn't matter, we (the baker and I) didn't cross paths and when I checked my little bag of Churros, there was that last bit for me.  If you can't have mint as a palette cleanser post meal, cinnamon is a good alternative, and Churros meet the warm, sweet and salty, crispy texture sweet spot that fresh baked cookies offer, so I came out alright for myself, even if I missed an opportunity to keep my cookie/ dental work joke going.

Is it ironic that I woke up with sensitivity in my fillings for the first time in a few days, like they KNEW cookies would be there waiting for me?  Is it coincidence that there would be Mint Chocolate goodness there in the office the day after some of the staff found out I would be leaving the building, following the meeting where it was announced to the rest of the staff?  Nah, it was a post-staff development/ post-staff meeting treat/ token of appreciation.  It didn't have anything to do with me.  That's the rational, non-self-centered way to look at it.  But who am I kidding?  I am at best 45% rational, and 94% self-centered.  I view everything as a test, an opportunity to profile a person's personality, and I think people pick up on this.  It's my own self-conscious nature that makes me question whether people are testing or profiling me.

Why am I blathering about all this?  Well, because I profile myself, and in retrospect I can see a behavioral pattern manifest in the mundane that relates to matters I consider more substantial in regards to how I relate to the people in my social circles, personal and professional.  I have been exploring the degrees of social distance I, and others, are comfortable with, and whether I'm satisfied with that.  Today seemed like a parable playing out, a parallel for my mental and emotional wheelhouse.  What does this say about me, my thought process, my choices?

I try to embrace the importance of being able to deny one's self when necessary, to delay gratification and be discrete.  This is a manifestation of a desire for control after being at the mercy of circumstance.  I am willing to be flexible in order to indulge my appetites, but I understand it comes with consequences, sacrifices.  Because of this there is a level of detachment that permeates how I relate to any and everything I can not fully control.  I will, to a fault, measure my options, exploring what it is I desire most, while scrutinizing what's put out before me by others.  As a result I may resign myself to the options I control, and passively reject the things I truly desire, but don't want to compromise myself to have, unless circumstances are such that they prove themselves a healthier choice than what I want most.

Today, I got what I wanted dating back 5 days or more. I shared what I considered the indulgent part of it in order to forgo consuming it all myself.  What does it say that I find it practical to save myself from myself by sharing what I desire or relish with others?  Well, at least as far as food is concerned.