Hate You ( pet peeves about love & lust mainly )

The song was like a  bolt of Black Lightning for me in the midst of "The International Incident", the misguided affair that really amounted to a summer fling that I'd propped up to be the Love of A Lifetime to justify the lengths Eve & I went to escape our realities with each other.  I was young and foolish, and she was only 3 years older than I was, and we were both in mourning.  It was a mess, and the betrayal I felt in how it all unraveled, in such a predictable, redundant fashion, was enough to get me to draw my guard up for half a decade and then some.  When it ended, I was dejected, but still in love, with the idea of sharing love, accepting love, falling in love in tandem.  But instead I was kicked to the curb, shat upon.  Definitely not a positive reciprocal relationship.  But I didn't get mad, I got sad, and jaded, and then I heard this song on King's X's first post-Warner Bros. album, in a sense their "break-up" record with their major record label, and at the same time, from what I gleam, marital problems were a part of their extra-musical reality as well.  This song was a perfect example of  Willard Harley's "Love Bank" gone wrong. To cut to the quick: You can only Hate someone you love because you won't let anyone else get close enough, or get away with enough, where you would let them hurt you bad enough that you'd hate them for what they did.  The idea of Hate being the product of one person's love run up against the injuries the object of their affection inflicts on their heart makes total sense to me. Love makes us vulnerable, and vulnerability makes us defensive, nye hostile.

Anyway, I don't have Love to throw around in the least, just small morsels of affection that I might toss in someone's general direction now and then, but I'm hesitant to even do that because the landscape is so ragged.  People have ruined themselves, ruined relationships, ruined romance because they've gotten into the habit of accepting and normalizing substitutes and half-truths to fashion false companionship and commitment.  People have gotten so fearful of getting hurt and being vulnerable that they adopt actions and habits that take the risk and worth out of their emotional and physical interactions.  They treat emotions and bodies like tools and toys that can be worked and played out with little regard. Relationships are like a child's christmas present, boring after a few exiting moments and something better comes along to occupy your fancy.  It would be great if people were more discerning with their hearts, their passions, but the reality is, it's not discernment if it's always after the fact, after you get instant gratification, that never lasts (so how is it even gratifying?).

It's obvious that I'm old fashioned.  I'm of the belief that fear of commitment is part and parcel with a fear of consequences.  We can't avoid consequences, and I think it's childish and foolish to try and ignore or minimize them.  I think it's better to accept what they are, what they mean, and make a strong effort to forego them by using Wise judgement.  Every time we try and tell ourselves "it's cool, i'll be that.  It ain't no thing." when we know we're tripping, messing up, it's so demeaning.  It's like saying, "You won, I can't beat you, so I'll just pretend it's alright."  Bump that.  It ain't cool.  I'm not content with being compromised or settling for some whack half-cocked  scenario where someone tries to have their cake and eat it too or have it both ways when that's impossible.  I have fully embraced the notion that you can not serve two masters, you will Love one and Hate the other.

I believe that Love brings us peace.  I believe Love brings us inspiration.  It's fair to say I believe God is Love incarnate.  Love rules my life, Love is my Master.  Though it may not be what brought me (or anyone into the world) it's what inspired my parents (or anyone who raises a child, their own or otherwise) to care for me when they could have let me lie and rot after I was born.  I love Love, it is the essence of Goodness, Righteousness.  I love the idea that it means honesty, commitment, loyalty, sacrifice, compassion, empathy, dedication and all those other good traits.  Therefore I have grown to understand that it's only natural that I hate dishonesty, fickleness, selfishness, apathy, unfaithfulness, and all the things that usually come with people trying to get over on other people to have their way or circumstances on their own terms, rather than the altruistic ideas that have inspired so many for thousands of years.  Those emotions and states of mine lord over our hearts and minds, disturb our peace, breed conflict and strife.  They will make a slave of you if you let them, and if you are a slave, hate is your master, your god.  You can't serve two masters.  You either love peace, or you love conflict.  Your actions will prove this out by what you bring to situations in your life.  If you are a slave to hate you will feel spite towards peace wherever you see it.  If you have Love as your inspiration your heart will sink when the threat of harm looms.  Our existence is only justified by the act of loving life. Anything we do that is counter that is hateful.  We are made to love. Our world and way of life no longer reflect this.

That may be the only romantic concept I still have any faith in.  In the core of my being I believe that the reason society and culture are crumbling and we're losing generations is because we stopped putting any value in the idea that building lasting relationships supported by idealistic behavior by all parties involved is worth the work it seems to take.  Stable societies are built on stable people, and stable people are raised up by stable families.  Instead we are a society of survivors, who have come out of a lot of dysfunction.  We are blessed to come out of it functional, but lack the distance and ability to guide the next generations through life in such a way that they don't repeat the same mistakes unnecessarily.  Cycles of psychological and physical manipulation and abuse become cultural norms and expected rites of passage into adulthood just because they happened to others in the past.  Pathetic.  Totally Pathetic.

So, if I come off as jaded and resentful about the state of the world, it's because I love the good in it. Seeing this masquerade, this charade, making willing victims of people who in their heart of hearts, just want to be accepted, loved, cared for, appreciated, should sicken us all, but it doesn't.  We let ourselves get used to it, and called it "growing up".  That's not growing up, that's corruption.  "Growing up" is recognizing just how foul that corruption is and working hard to undue it and not visit it upon others.  When I witness people settling for these frauds, the disappointment and frustration rush over me like a hot flash.  I don't hate the people, but I can't deny I hate what I'm made aware of.  I understand what it means to be a Zealot baring witness to Blasphemy or Heresy in those moments.  This thing you're doing, thing you're saying, it's not what you say it is.  You are lying to yourself and everyone you talk to if you think otherwise. Likewise if you think it's okay so long as you're honest about what you're doing.  I want no part of it.  I truly do hate it.