Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood.

Lord knows that's been what I've been thinking, now, and probably most every day for the last nearly seven years.  When you spend a good share of your day with people you don't really know, who really don't know you, but you can potentially have meaningful communication with, your reputation is all you have.  Everything is impression management.  The careless suffer.  There's not much room for nuance or sophistication.

Anyone who really knows me, knows there's a lot going on in this mind of mine, but seldom does it amount to anything other than meandering rambles.  They know that when it comes to things I Want to do, I simply pursue them.  If it takes me a long time to make up my mind and get off the fence, then I already know that my desire is less than my apprehension about the risks that come with said pursuit.  I try and go with my best judgement without being judgmental.

It's strange because I often find myself trying to protect people from protecting my feelings.  I'm hyper aware of my flaws and shortcomings.  Thanks to my experiences in school, where cruel insults and belittlement was the past-time, I can point out other people's flaws as well, but that's petty.  The thing is, in my mind, any confidence I may present that to others seems out of place is simply my way of acknowledging that I know we are all masking/ hiding/ overcoming insecurities of one sort or another.  In a world without deception, or dishonesty, a world of full disclosure, would things be healthier?

In seven years here's what I've learned about communication in my current situation:

What seems most obvious is usually the truth, and sad as it is, the cynical viewpoint, though it may close the door on what seems like potentially positive social relationships, is going to serve my best interest and emotional well-being the most.  When you set yourself apart with your actions or inaction, you alienate yourself from those who chose other ways to live.  That compounds any aesthetic or cultural incongruity involved.  If people really want to relate to you, they will.  If they don't relate to you, then leave it alone.  If you can't be yourself with the people you're with, and can't justify changing to fit in (cause let's be honest, sometimes the problem is internal), then you're not with the right people.

If you can't agree on the terms of a deal, there's no deal.  Every social relationship is a deal/ exchange, because communication is an exchange of information and meaning.  If I keep failing to communicate, and have a hard time understanding what's being communicated to me, so much so that I have to step on toes... well, I have big feet, and I don't want to be known as the guy who always steps on peoples' toes.  I put people on edge enough as it is.  I'd rather just leave well enough alone and find somewhere with people it's easier to communicate with or less necessary to do so on the level at which I have to where I am.

At some point I've just grown wary of people being so delicate to each other face to face, but callous and caustic behind each others backs.  If there's an elephant in the room, I want to talk about it, give it a peanut, a magic feather, let it take wing and fly free.  If I'm not the only one who feels that way, no one is comfortable telling me.  That's how I know I'm in the wrong place given what I value and my convictions.  I'm in so many wrong places...

So, maybe I should have been praying this refrain day in and day out all this time?  But then, I should know by now that people believe what they want to, filter out what doesn't coalesce with their disposition.  I was educated to be objective and question my perceptions and biases, and even when I fail to do that, it's in my head, so much so that I tell myself "You are failing to see the whole picture, be very careful."  That is another red flag that denotes excessive emotional entanglement and feedback interfering with effective communication.  It's like living under a threat level.  That's not what I signed up for, not what any of us signed up for.

All of this has me looking back at definitions of passive-aggressive behavioral tendencies, to see if I have fallen into them, or am being felled by them.  The answer is yes.  This seems to be the normative behavior in the environments where I find myself uncomfortable, and I'm uncomfortable with that too.  I know who and what I want to be to other people, and alienated, detached, disingenuous, and passive-aggressive are not on the list, but all seem to be traits that are all too common.  I'm going to just go with a strong dose of detached for the foreseeable future and pray to God that it's enough.  Let go and Let God right?