Long Gone - Dedicated to all the Ex-Girlfriends & Let Downs

I prefer the Album Version of the song, but I can't find a version that doesn't have the Ryan Seacrest Station ID over the chorus on youtube, but you can stream it here http://chriscornell.com/music/scream/ by clicking the title.  Save for the bridge of the song where he mentions needing to be saved by the subject of the song, the lyrics are pretty much dead on with how I've felt about Katie for years, and had the luxury of keeping that feeling to myself because life moved on one way or another by the grace of being in separate cities, then states, and definitely different places in our lives.

Sometimes you stand in the divide when you see people you care about trying decide between one way of living, one set of values, and another.  I was that guy 10 years ago, and I have expressed my regret about it ad nauseum, so I know it's old.  Sort of makes me believe in "the Secret" because the inevitable always seems to happen, and I hear from her.  It always come off contrived, and maybe that's because I'm biased to see it a certain way because of our baggage from when we were involved.  I don't think so though.  I think it has more to do with the reality that she only reaches out when she wants, when she isn't preoccupied with someone else or herself.  That sounds judgmental, but it seems her communication is always couched in her being dissatisfied with the relationships she's found herself in since she realized she was no longer attracted to me and unhappy in our relationship, and something else she said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me.  Oh well, I accepted it then, and flaked later, but eventually moved on in my weird way, bridge effectively burned, and dealt with the spiritual implications of that on my own terms.

I've come to expect the periodic reflection, acknowledgment that my sincere affection and devotion to her registered on some level, and that she still has a myopic view of my humanity since that is the only version of me she acknowledges with palpable empathy when circumstances don't provide her with a better option, at least as far as I can tell.  That is pretty much how our Love Affair started anyway back in 2003.  It was the one constant during our break-ups and make-ups.  I don't know if she realizes this though.  Each time she apologizes and extends an olive branch, feeling it's some new gesture of sincere regret, it's just the past repeating itself, her repeating herself, after having learned and grown.  This learning and growth is giving her new perspective perhaps, allowing her to see things differently, adding significance to our circumstances, so she can empathize with me more, and her feeling as such inspires the desire for another apology?

I don't know for certain, and I doubt she'll answer my questions, because I imagine she will always feel defensive and slightly betrayed by my inquisitions.  I respond and she shuts down, confronted with the reality that there is a person here on the other end that she rejected and ignored so she could move on to greener pastures, who warned her that they aren't any greener in reality (and shame to High Fidelity for making people think it was ok to selfishly go back to people they spurned to satisfy their own egos and sense of failure in life, I have always disliked that movie for that reason).  So I'll just cast them into the ether-net. I'll try to be a genuinely honest and kind person, but man this is just the pits.  Same sh*t different day is what it feels like.

The truth is: I wouldn't hear from her if she was satisfied with how she was involved, and I get no satisfaction in knowing she is not, because it has lead her back to me with nothing good to offer, far too many times, other than retroactive appreciation for things I did in the past, and further rejection for how I feel about that now.  She thinks she's grown, and dictates to me as if I haven't, or am not allowed to.  That stems from a lack of mutual conflict resolution.  It's hard to forgive someone who you always feel you never got to share your disappointment and anger with. By conviction we chose to try and do that in a healthy way when we were together, but we didn't, and it turned out to be a garbage relationship with so much distrust and dysfunction.  It really was horrible in the end, and I feel entirely justified saying that it was traumatic and damaging, and there is no justifying it.

I am trying to take the righteous path, praying on it, but not really sure how to best address what at this point is a sad sad thing to endure.