This Is Not About Love...

Time for some blunt honesty,

Not once in my pursuit of my Ex was there a moment when choosing to welcome her into my life, or welcome her back, that I ever found myself lacking of interest in someone who, for one reason or another, may have been a preferable choice.  You can blame the loyalty of being involved with someone who was a long-time friend, of sorts, a lack of confidence in myself, or whatever else makes sense in retrospect.  Either way, the one thing about my Ex was that she seemed to always turn up at moments when I was on the fence or in dire straights because I was conflicted about my feelings about another woman I'd made the acquaintance of.  This has never once not been the case.

She, my Ex, was my shield, protecting me from disturbing the casual acquaintance equilibrium I've always found so comfortable.  It's just less complicated to be unattached and friendly, you don't have to care much, or be too careful about what you say.  Impression management is a minimal concern, cause what you do you have to lose?  If a person is your friend, they should accept you for who you are so long as you're not offensive to them.  That's the logic at least.  In the interest of honesty, I'm not a person who is easily captivated.  I'm stand-offish and have a self-involved approach to processing things that alienates me from my own existence in action more often than not.  That doesn't always hold up.  Sometimes someone connects, and I just can't get past it.

Some people know how to captivate, by nature or machination, in an effort to get what they want, or at least facilitate their own sense of peace and happiness.  There are different temperaments, but the ones that are warm, whimsical, but restrained, those are the ones that have the biggest pull for me.  Just so happens that most people with these temperaments are highly attractive in general, which means they are more often than not involved and/ or committed, and when they are not that makes you wonder why they aren't.  For someone who is as unconventional as I am, physically, psychologically, it's easy to explain: I am a freak of nature, and a freak of culture, and being attracted to me is a bit of a novelty, and ultimately forces a lot of compromise.

It is what it is, and I've embraced my place in my world.  For people who are closer to "average" or "normal" it gets trickier, at least for me.  There are many things that people keep close to their vests regarding their personality, familial/ cultural (and in some case physical) quirks that make them feel slightly alienated from other people, or willing to accept compromise in their choice of partners.  In that, we all have our weaknesses.  You just never know why some people relate to you or not. But in my case, my misanthropy is represented in the vessel my consciousness resides in.  I'm pretty sure if I were an average guy with an average build I might be a horrible person because there would be less barriers between my impulses and people's acceptance of them, but I've been on the outside of that experience since I was 11 or 12 years old for one reason or another.  That makes me very curious about other people's reasons for be unattached or willingly compromised in their relations with others.

So, the reality I've had to cope with is, what did it say about my mind state when I took up with someone who's needs were obvious and thrust upon me vs. someone who in my perception seemed to have their affairs in order, had their *$%& together?  Am I cowardly for being apprehensive about pursuing someone I had a high opinion of, that I never thought needed anything from me?  Those sort of people put me at ease, I really enjoy their company, and ultimately, with my Ex that was the sort of person I wished to see her become, in the hopes that our relationship would blossom when she got to that point.  That's not how it worked out, but whatever, my investment in that case was a byproduct of loyalty and a quasi-agape love that existed before the romance.  With that out of the picture, there's no longer an uneven playing field, and the apple of my eye could be anyone.

But it isn't.  There is someone, and one of the first things I discussed with my Ex when she reintroduced herself recently was the subject of my suppressed affection for this woman, that was burdened with the confusion I held regarding her own romantic entanglements, or lack thereof.  The last thing you want to think about regarding someone you are smitten with is their feelings for someone else, the condition of that relationship.  To celebrate someone's heartbreak is the most selfish turn infatuation can take, but something an opportunistic heart can't help but consider.  What if you're wrong?  If someone seems available but isn't, well isn't that the non-starter that just sucker-punches the puppy-love struck Cyrano in us all?  That's the thing; people who aren't committed will entertain their options, even when by someone else's standards they aren't legitimately available (but if they're not upfront about that they can fish for suitors at their whimsy, as my Ex can attest).

I do know that there are times when you look away because you are self-conscious about how inclined you are to look.  There are times when you are aware that you enjoy your conversations more than you usually do, when you're apt to smiling and laughter and feel at ease.  It's at times like these where I feel I have to put up my guard, because, well, I mean, what if there are invisible lines, loyalties to honor?  Having crossed those in my life in my ignorant youth, I strive to never do so again.  But sans invisible lines, there is that sense of jeopardy that comes with "liking" someone.  Why mess up a good thing by making it a "thing"?  Especially if there really isn't anything going on but two pleasant people relating to one another?  You don't want to misread things, and I am not given to chase.  All that jive about someone "Not being that into you", I don't abide by that in the least.  I am all in or all out, and if I'm being honest here, I usually lean towards all out.  At least I used to...

There was a time when I was beyond caring and would spend time with people as much as they allowed, and if the subject of romance or attraction came up I would flatly express my status, and press them on why they asked.  If they wanted involvement, and I welcomed it, then it was on.  That was all I needed.  The precursor there was spending that time with someone, that sharing of time was the giveaway.  If they wanted to be around you and you alone, that was the green light to consider something.  How that time together was spent predicated whatever advancement came to pass beyond that.

The complicating factor I have the hardest time dealing with is when someone I know I like, is nudged in my direction.  I start to feel outed, suspect of the intentions of parties involved.  I mean, what man trusts the intentions of women conspiring in concert? We're raised to be leery about their motivations as pertains to us.  It's a messed up way to be, but something many of us are conditioned to feel, and when you've had bad experiences with women, it only reinforces that leeriness.  No doubt I've had bad experiences with the women in my life from jump street.  There's been a world of good experiences too, but it's complicated to say the least.  But nothing puts me on edge more than when women conspire on the behalf of one another regarding available men.  It can be flattering, and equally deflating, and of course people can be fickle, flighty, or flat-out crazy. A misstep could alienate you from an entire group of people, and not just one individual. Who want's to be that guy?

It could be said that I'm obsessed with being even-keeled or presenting myself as well-adjusted, but my romantic history would prove otherwise.  I've harped on my insecurities regarding the type of women I tend to attract in the past, and the type of relationships I've been attracted to.  It's made me apprehensive enough to second-guess my instincts and impulses to the nth degree, but what reasonable person doesn't?  Only ham-fisted people do things without thinking about their tendencies and the consequences of their actions.  Why jump in and screw things up that could otherwise be perfectly content?  Is Romance such a prize that it's worth making a mess of things between every possible mate you find the least bit of attraction or chemistry with?  How do you keep from entertaining that thought with everyone, or curtailing it when you Are involved with someone and greener pastures present themselves?  Those are the kind of questions that undermine me.  I think it has it's place given the events surrounding the year I turned 21.  That's the sort of mistake I will only allow myself once, as I am no longer so naive or young.  Once was too much.  Same goes for the shortcomings of my 27th-32nd years.  I'm too old for games, and too jaded for infatuation to satisfy my inclination towards romantic involvement.

So, like an Omen of beautiful women I don't know well enough to trust, but who's complications are transparent enough to reveal with an introspective question, my Ex waltzed back into my life to exorcise a few of her demons as pertains to our unresolved conflicts.  I immediately embraced it as a sign that someone had taken an interest in me other than her.  It's like the woman has Radar.  Uncanny honestly.  It's served her from as far as Half a Continent away, but each time she's resurfaced her influence has diminished because of the ever increasing evaporation of trust and affection I have for her based on her treatment and perception of me as a person.

Perhaps no woman has damaged my perception of Women seeking the love of men further than she has?  At least as far as women who have sought my love, when countered by what she'd done once she attained it.  Time and experience, though ever-changing, have desensitized me to whatever charms she has to employ, so that leaves what affections I have to dole out to this woman, who I'd at one point sooner avoid than acknowledge I'm drawn to, available for me to dispense upon that particular someone else who I am smitten with.  We reveal bits about where we are in regards to our entanglements or lack there-of in passing, within earshot, but not with the intention of informing one another.  Does she recognize these moments like I do?  Are we giving each other hints, or am I dramatizing casual, platonic interactions?  Am I being coy, ignoring the obvious for the sake of not making myself vulnerable?

As much as I value discretion and integrity, I will always remember the first crush I pursued, going back to 3rd grade, as a secret admirer.  I wrote a song, left decorative pencils, and My Little Ponies from happy meals. Of course she moved at the end of the year, which coincided with my revelation of my affection.  I was never good at this romance thing.  Miserable timing.  And then there's my own obliviousness, or willing ignorance of the reactions I'm drawing from people when I don't want to digest it, akin to a twisted denial/ disbelief.

We all make impressions on one another, not all of them are flattering.  Ultimately, you recognize that some matter to you, even when you don't really want them to for one reason or another.  You find yourself spending time, taking in environments, and fostering relationships you might otherwise forgo for the sake of the way it makes you feel to be there, with that person you are inexplicably drawn towards.  It's all a little too scripted.  How often are people willing to let art imitate life and vice versa if both are contrived?  But what if they aren't contrived?   What if the truth they betray is uncomfortable simply because of  where you situate yourself psychologically at a given time in your life?

Simply put, every time I think about this woman, this particular situation, I smart a little, shake my head, laugh, curse, and am just beside myself, because I feel like I should know, that it should be obvious, and maybe it is?  It's the elephant in the room, but if we acknowledge it nothing may come of it still.  It could just be this cumbersome awkward thing that's out of place and going nowhere, but feels good to rest upon.  I am reluctant to find out.  Be careful what you wish for, especially if you never let yourself actively wish for it.  Who knows what you are getting?  I just want peace and simplicity, truth and love.  Is that so much to ask for?

Should the eyes of that woman I am thinking about, the ones I for some reason have never hesitated to look directly into, always bright and engaged, come across this writing, I am humbled to find my fancy has fallen on someone like you.  Every compliment you've shared goes beyond flattery because as the source, you yourself have impressed me with your grace and poise, in tandem with your humor and empathy.  The bar is so high, how could I not be intimidated?  How could I not be inspired?  It's a strange thing to think someone deserves better, but not because you know that they are being shorted by someone, but because they garner such esteem in your eyes.  I can wilt, or I can simply chose to improve.  Why not improve?  There's nothing to lose in bettering one's self.  You can't love anyone else if you don't first love yourself.  Why not make it easier to do so?  From one comes the other.