Start All Over, Make A New Beginning

So I find myself in an interesting place in my life, and worldview.  Stability gives you a certain freedom, nesting allows you a certain hospitality.  These two conditions also make the Hostility of this world, the bent towards antipathy Very Very alienating.  Nearly 17 years ago, the aforementioned song this blog is named for, and links to was released, but I didn't come to hear it for another 3 years, the summer I was forced to Start All Over.

I had wild ominous dreams of complete upheaval in my world, of Epic, Biblical proportions, and dreams about people I knew, that all seemed to come to pass in some manner or fashion.  I was shell-shocked as a result.  My first reaction to the illumination of the accuracy of my seeming precognizance was to Get Drunk.  It didn't have the desired effect, so I managed to avoid becoming a drunk as a result.  But I did become very depressed, I did engage in a personal dialogue about the reasons I would never commit active self-annihilation in a journal entry called "Mr. Suicide let's have a talk."  My world ended.  I was happy to see it go, it was a disappointment through and through; but there was nothing to replace it.  At a time when I thought I might unravel, I was given immediate purpose, as the health of a friend and mentor thrust me into a facsimile of his role in the college community I resided in.  I was given a taste of yet another dream/ fantasy with this new endeavor, and through that labor I was able to support a friend's aging family and garner wisdom and perspective from them that was invaluable, and also exposed to folk who I'd learn to care for at a time in my life when I didn't really care about myself all that much.  That was my last year in the Village of Churches.  It was a eulogy to a fading dream I never composed in the first place.

So, in that ending a beginning took root and  blossomed later in the form of affection and appreciation, borne of innocence as opposed to intrigue.  It just so happens that beginning was part of a short-lived transition.  When I left home at 18 years old, my life there was unresolved and complicated, conflicted and alienating.  When I returned age 23 I was reconciled to make peace with the past, and embrace a New Beginning, returning as a different person, with different aspirations, and so I did.  Enter the new born troubadour, born from the fantasies of a childhood long cast aside, things that felt like second nature that were trumped by things that came just as easily to me and were culturally acceptable.  This version of Willie was free to express all emotion, and come to terms with the confusion and alienation that propelled me to reject the idea that I was deeply wounded by heartache and death that shadowed my family and friends over the years.  But this phase of existence passed away as well, when the need for some sort of focus, concerted effort towards carving out an existence of the material fashion became a precursor for pursuing further development in the arts.  An artists needs tools to execute their craft, and to garner them, one must labor.  I was fortunate enough to connect with people who knew me as an artist, but saw me as a resource.  This allowed me to develop a craft, that segued into a profession, which ushered in the phase of my life I arrived at 4 years ago, that was also the end of  that blossoming relationship founded in innocence and rooted in affection, the only realized Love I'd experienced of the romantic variety in my life.  Coming to terms with that loss harkened back to the pangs of my experience 10 years prior that drove me to my New Beginning after the Apocalyptic Dreams of world crushing clouds and visits from kindred spirits I had nebulous attachments to.

This New Beginning has been a bit of a false start, in that it was an extended ending.  There had to be a certain amount of hope that was put to rest that came along with the grieving process.  The innocence of youth I rediscovered concurrent with my rebirth in 1998 had aged, and grew more jaded than wise in that time.  My reservations about the world we live in were seasoned with direct observation and consequence.  The world had run amok with the sort of disregard and disenchantment I rallied against embracing as a naive yet innocent youth who valued the latter condition, and saw no value in belligerently learning one's lessons directly.  Why not take proverbial wisdom at its word, why not live vicariously through others' mistakes and live a life unencumbered?  Those where my directives, that was my rhetoric 14 years ago.  I still see the purpose and value in it now, but I have seen more of the ways of humanity, and it's becoming increasingly obvious that when people WANT something they don't care as much about its intrinsic value, or lack there-of, inherent in said desire.  They simply WANT, and to WANT is to have purpose and drive to catalyze taking action, and this makes people feel alive.  What is life if not the pursuit of acknowledging one's existence through thought and action?  Wanting serves that purpose.  But I, like most ascetics, seek a life devoid of WANT. I seek to choose my existence, pursue righteousness and love, and not be stirred and contorted by abject desire.

So, I see the world much as I did then, as far as its disarray, the pain, the needless suffering we inflict on each other through disregard and cognitive dissonance.  I don't want it to be that way, and I am in some ways trying to "be the change" I "want to see in the world".  I also know that my beginnings and endings are not of my own volition, and control is something that's shared in life. We interact with one another to acknowledge our own consciousness.  Am I here, do I exist, do you hear? Yes. Yes. Yes. And I? Yes. Yes. Yes.  So as much as I would like to see the ways of this world rectified towards behavior and sentiment consistent with Peace and Love, I recognize that this is not something I can accept that people WANT based on their behavior.  What would be left if we stripped the world of all the people who craved what this modern world dispenses?  It could be a very lonely place.  What is a world with no one in it.  Not much of a world at all.  So I am wary of alienating myself, embracing misanthropy and cynicism, and becoming a nihilist.

And still this song resonates with my heart and soul, and I find myself Wanting what she wants.  Until I can have that, I will strive to never WANT again.