Bitterness

Been trying to stave off the carpal tunnel inducing activities, so I've been off my typing game as of late.  But I'm back and had a lot on my mind as I recovered from a nasty sinus infection and a nastier reaction to the antibiotics I was prescribed.  I'm happily improving thanks to Singulair and Corticosteroids.

I think a lot by some people's standards, but my awareness of that puts me in the mind to intentionally avoid thinking at all.  For that reason I've had periods of my life where I identified with people with serious drug problems, escapism and desperation being the common threads that bind us.

I contemplated the crosses I bare, some heavier than others, and how they are weightless more often than not. The joy I've felt recently when leaving my Mother's home after visiting with her, my Stepfather, and this weekend, my Great Niece and Nephew, isn't defined by the family I've lost over the years, it's based on what will eventually happen.  My regrets and lessons of the past aren't informing my decisions as much as my desire to embrace what I have presently.

On the other hand, I've  been reminded of those losses, my Cousin Martez being killed 20 years ago, my niece Bugsy dying 16 years ago, who would have been 21 this year, and so much more.  Thinking about the quirks my family has and our lack of outwardly affectionate gestures through most of my childhood.  Our ambivalence to each other, and how this has reflected on my Warm/Cold tendencies, and comfort with physical and emotional distance/ superficiality.  The impact of that on my life can't have been a positive, but it has been self-serving in its own dysfunctionally practical way.

When I start to acknowledge my baggage, so much when I was just a child, and out of my control, that made me a jacked up kid: neurotic, obsessive, and selfish, the frustration I feel over my missteps, and failures as a friend, or just as a moral human being, really bother me.  I thought I couldn't hold a grudge when I was at the end of my teens, but it was because I was in denial of the grudges I had borne for so long, to the point where I ceased to acknowledge them.  But out they come, and as is the case with family, it's fine to bare them, but it's a crime when someone else makes light of them or casts a stone.  My biggest regret, the biggest plank in my eye, the deepest grudge I bare, the bitterest I have ever felt, is directed squarely at the one person who chastised my relationship with my family, how I treated them, how they treated me etc.  I took it in stride, realizing she was reacting to one-sided venting on my part.  She gave my family the benefit of the doubt, and ultimately I did likewise with hers.  We truly held each other accountable on that part, up until we got fed up with each other.


The catch is, we didn't remain friends, and the lackluster excuse-ridden rambling phone-calls and emails we exchanged only highlighted the animosity we held towards one another that wasn't going anywhere.  I'm still bitter over what went down in that relationship, and it permeates every bit of  romantic advice I give, or perspective I share on " certain types " of personalities and world views.  The circumstances of that train wreck of a relationship are something I can never look upon bereft of disappointment and unpleasant resignation.  It helps that I wasn't a stupid kid in the relationship, and after a certain amount of time, I was hoping she wasn't either.  Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't, at least in how she chose to relate to me and that particular part of her life.  Oh well, it happened, it sucked, and THANK GOD, Life Goes On, and it's been pretty good because I've been free to value what I have on my own terms, and still remember all those times that young woman harassed me about not being kinder, gentler, nicer to my loved ones.  We're still rough and tumble bunch, so what if the hugs aren't free flowing, and we can say some things to each other that will make others blush.  But we KNOW there's love in it.  That comfort and familiarity of family let's us let our guard down.