Love, Love, Love (and Marriage Equality)

Eros, Philios, and Agape. Those are the 3 kinds of love I learned about years back, Erotic aka Sensual, Brotherly, and Altruistic aka Idealistic Love.  Ideally a person has boundaries for people, so that Lovers get Eros, Friends and Family get Philios, and Intangibles get Agape.

When the subject of Engendering & Orientation come up I look back to the three kinds of love I mention, and I think, I love people of both genders, but have only felt Eros towards women.  It's not how I was raised, it's how I'm wired.  So are we arguing about Love or coupling?  Definitely coupling.  So my attempt to lean on the idealistic definition of Love is useless.  This is a visceral dialectic, not a metaphysical one.

So, since I spent all those thousands of dollars I didn't have studying Anthropology, we can look at the biological argument in regards to sexuality and coupling.  I'm going to dumb it down to basic Darwin: Survival of the fittest.  Adaptation that promotes survival is ideal.  What it takes to survive gets odd at times, but ultimately proliferation of the species is a prerequisite.  By most accounts homosexuality is a mutation of sorts, one that ultimately negates the urge to proliferate one's DNA.  Oddly enough, though it doesn't prosper the individual, some argue that in nature it prospers the species by slowing overpopulation.  That's the utilitarian take on it.

If Gallup's numbers are correct with 3.4% of the US population being something other than Heterosexual* then the Utilitarian take on evolutionary adaptation across the human genome seems a little presumptuous.  That number, though very real, is also within the margin of error statistically.  What does that mean?  Well, given the credence we give "facts" based on analytic interpretation, would it be fair to call this population a persistent genetic neurological anomaly?  How would it go over if a person identifying as Homosexual was classified as mentally handicapped?  It's those kind of notions that beget the Eugenics of old.  It's a dark path to the past, and with the potential onset of genetically modifying offspring, the future.  Regardless, Anthropology and Darwin render Homosexuality an evolutionary dead end, biologically.

If we deign Homosexuality an act of Free Will, and not the result of Biological Determination, the argument for equality takes on a more libertarian slant.  That seems the best path towards litigating the issue honestly.  Then the question becomes, how much freedom, and of what sort, are the people of this nation willing to accept at this point in our history?  If we are to judge by the democratic process of most of the states of the union, not a lot.  If we are to judge by the strength of advocacy receiving coverage, all but a few.  The reality is, in the marketplace of ideas, numbers don't matter as much as volume.  Those who shout the loudest, enunciate clearly, repeatedly, for the longest period of time, will be heard over the opposition if they are not equaled in those qualities.

If the argument is for equal rights for all people, then the laws as they are, are biased.  If this nation is still a proponent of majority rule, then the move to overturn laws restricting marriage to Heterosexuals through litigation instead of popular vote, is biased.  The history of the United States tends to put the government at odds with the electorate on these sorts of issues, because there are contrary ideas of what/ which Moral Authority is preeminent across cultural and generational lines.  Hypocrisy is woven into the fabric of this Country because our value for self-governance and democracy is often in conflict with how moral advocacy has to go about finding a footing in the political landscape when it finds its cause unpopular.  It's a very contentious and alienating way to go about change, and probably responsible for a great deal of the polarization and backlash manifesting in today's rhetoric.

From a religious perspective, particularly Abrahamic religion, the idea of proliferating the genome of  Abraham was a Biblical covenant, and any act by his offspring to undermine that process was considered sinful.  From that you could argue the idea/ definition of Sodomy evolved.  The Old Testament is in many ways a genealogy of the descendants of God's chosen people.  In that regard the aims of Darwin's Evolutionary Fittest and God's covenant with Abraham are similar, that their offspring be vast in number and carry on the line.  From that reasoning, aligning the United States with a Christian identity, as unconstitutional as that may be, is a logical reason to oppose marriage equality.  It's misappropriated and ill-executed logic, but it follows, given the presumption of hypocrisy.

We're entering a time where many may feel we are on the verge of maxing out our capacity to evolve in a functional way.  Our material evolution may yet continue as we tinker more and more with technology and our biology.  In a world where this is the norm, the traditional role of gender and coupling may lose meaning and value.  We may just move forward to the point where coupling is no longer the means by which children are created, and instead an actualization of sentiment between individuals exclusively.  Maybe not any time soon, but in the not too distant future.  The means are available.  It's this sort of world that will render the arguments rooted in Biological Determinism moot.  Until then, it seems the move is to future-proof our rhetoric and assert a moral authority that trumps civil authority.  Making such a move will put us in opposition with the majority of the world's population, which is made up of developing nations, most on the precipice of being 1st world nations (India, China) and the rest not necessarily as progressive in regards to cultural tolerance of non-traditional sexuality in the public sphere. This puts the US in a position of apostle to the world in matters of sexuality.  Add that to the list of things we assert over others that furthers the rendering of our nation as elitist and meddling.  Again, the hypocrisy is second nature for us.  Freedom is not the anyway street we make it out to be.

There seems to be a stalemate/ zero-sum gain at play.  If we assume that all Homosexuals in America get married that amounts to 1.7% more of the population having access to the benefits of marriage.  This would be of little significance unless a significant number of that 3.4% were EXTREMELY HIGH wage earners with EXTREMELY HIGH net wealth so that the dispersal of income would be effected in some manner I can't reasonably foresee.  That doesn't seem to be the reality.  There's no grounds for employers to claim the financial burden will cripple them, save for the possibility that the vast majority of this 3.4% are living in virtual segregation in enclaves so that their ratio to the normal population is disproportionate and thus employers in those areas would bare the brunt of the financial impact of having to provide marriage benefits.  The only real threat I can imagination, is the fear of punitive litigation against discrimination.

Ultimately, I'm ambivalent on the issue.  There's a lot of symbolic politics at play and it's a turn off for me.  I was, and still am Pro-Civil Union, and the semantic game at play here has alienated me.  If this is solely a legislative matter, then decoupling the word Marriage from our Federal Language would solve the problem, but that's not the issue.  This is a clash as much about Cultural Sovereignty as it is Politics.  If the faith community wants to think of Marriage as it's property, we can believe that, but it's a word, a concept, one the State can use as well.  The challenge becomes, if the majority of the population a State, or the Nation, are part of the Faith Community, how do you get them to accept a modern philosophical movement that doesn't align with their faith?  You can't.  The legislators of the government are only empowered to make provisions for equal access.  That seems to be what's happening, but it's not going to change the cultural rhetoric.

You can't make everyone like** you.



* http://www.gallup.com/poll/158066/special-report-adults-identify-lgbt.aspx
** meant in both common senses of the word.

Preposition Having the same characteristics or qualities as; similar to: "they were like brothers".

Conjunction In the same way that; as: "people who change countries like they change clothes".

Noun Used with reference to a person or thing of the same kind as another: "the quotations could be arranged to put like with like". The things one likes or prefers.

Adjective (of a person or thing) Having similar qualities or characteristics to another person or thing: "I responded in like manner".

Adverb Used in speech as a meaningless filler or to signify the speaker's uncertainty about an expression just used.

Verb Find agreeable, enjoyable, or satisfactory.

...Where I'm Not Ugly and You're Looking At Me

The blessing and curse of having so much to consume in the span of the last 17 or so years is that it's easy to forget things that were at one point extremely important to you in their era.  This song was just that.  Back before I was as into Neil Young as I would become, but still a fan of Pearl Jam, they released this single, and it struck me as the best things i'd heard from them yet.  It felt Epic, Anthemic, but retained the tension and brooding that I could relate to at that time. The title, I Got Id seemed so clever, so much so it sprung to mind when I was thinking of the subject impulses, and how a sudden immediate urge can persuade people to make choices that may last lifetimes.

I was made to feel my body was betraying me very early in life.  Maybe it was providence?  I was destined to take the acetic route to relating to the flesh, seeing it as a limitation as much as a vehicle for my existence.  The idea of Id, Ego, and Super Ego, when they were introduced to me, made good sense based on how I learned to break down my self.  My struggles with detachment in recent years are a direct reflection on that whole process.  Being sensitive in that oh so human way was my kryptonite.  Every time I succumbed to rage, envy, pride, greed, it was an impulsive response to ill considered observations.  My mind, my body, it was something more than I ever would have wanted it to be.  Sensitivity will throw you for a loop.

That being the case, the enchantment of women was especially terrifying as I grew up, because the allure of love was strong in me.  I wanted to be loved specifically, and to love specifically.  I was devoted by nature, but I felt a certain amount of rejection from the women in  my immediate family.  I usually felt like a burden or nuisance more than anything else.  I think having your sisters constantly wishing for someone to give me my comeuppance in so many words (no matter how much I deserved it), was a special kind of rejection.  It's fair to say that as a result I tried seeking the kind of warmth and nurturing you'd expect at home elsewhere, but with no grandmother around and the physical and emotional distance between the other women in my family, there was none to be found.  I relented my seeking, it didn't seem to be in the cards.

So... time passes and hormones kick in, and my need for acceptance and affinity for affection are complicated by carnal desire.  Now, this might not have been as much an issue if I hadn't had the misfortune of being in the company of unsupervised juveniles with whom being horny was their singular obsession. Sans responsible adults keeping a watchful eye on those types of kids, even the most innocent child gets exposed to the most  perverse of ideas and media.  That kind of unwanted exposure constitutes abuse, but most kids don't know that when they're living through it.  Most people have come to just write it off as children being children.  I would argue that in that case ignorance is bliss.  Kids should be allowed to come into their own in the context of an empathetic education, not misguided happenstance under the influence of maladjusted  influence.

Anyway,  my opposition to my Id and my Ego starts around that time.  I rebelled against my Id in response to the influence others hand on it, the hand perversion played in corrupting those folk who then, for their own reasons, wanted to share the "goods" with me, because, well you share your secrets with your friends right?  The saying "Knowledge is power." is particularly true with children because of their naivete, innocence, and or ignorance depending on your take on the situation and your take on things. Enlightenment is always around the corner in youth, an ever-expanding experience of illumination.  People are like living reels of film that use that light to project whatever images and impressions they've captured onto the unexposed. People how the power to completely alter a child's existence intellectually by simply planting the seed of an idea.  It's truly like Inception.  I know because I've been subject to it and witnessed it time and time again.

Having a Gnostic bent lends a person to being prideful.  Having the steadfast conviction that you were a born leader when you are 5 or 6 years old, for no other reason than a innate sense of destiny, well that's a recipe for being a wise acre.  Ironically, at 6 I distinctly remember identifying with the Owl as an animal because it was supposedly wise.  So, I was already on a similar path to many of the great leaders who were notorious for good judgement in most affairs sans those of the heart and libido.  By the time I was 10 years old I was actively trying to let go of my desire to assert myself as a leader, and just be a part of groups, a contributor.  I was already extremely self-conscious after years of brow-beating from my sisters for getting on their nerves.  I tried to get over myself, and the process is what brought me to look to God.  I also did my fair share or reading Time Life books on astrology and mythology for what that was worth.

What it all amounts to is a combination of  intellectual and biological restraint reigning over me in my conscious and unconscious worlds.  What some look at as repression, for me is an expression of self-control.  All things in moderation is a common adage, but seldom have I heard anyone establishing a fair definition of just what moderation is.  Rather than try to figure that out, I tried to confront any feelings that had me reducing a person to my own personal interest in, and not thinking of them as a complete human being.  It's fair to say that this was a manifestation of faith as much as a bit of  logically derived humanism, largely as a result of a lack study of the one text my faith was based on.  I was basically making it up as I went.  As a result I allowed myself a certain amount of flexibility with my indulgences, which left me open to hypocrisy.  My penchant for egoism couldn't live with that.  I was good at keeping myself out of trouble so long as I didn't get emotionally involved with things, but I had a problem with emotions.

By and large, because of that, I made small goals, like not making a fool out of myself.  Seems easy enough right? If only.  I remember being particularly happy when I was in committed relationship because it meant I could disregard all  those awkward moments of attraction or infatuation that would come to pass, but had no place in my life.  Having a love to focus on gave me an "out" that was worthwhile.  For someone who identified with the loyalty of dogs, having a love in my life was liberating, when the relationship was healthy.  Selflessness came with the territory and I saw that as a means to undermine my self-centered egoism.  I could focus my hormonal energies on my love, but doing so was fruitless if I didn't invest and express my interest in her in all the other ways she valued.  Unfortunately, I failed to do those things to her satisfaction, just as much as I failed to show the best judgement in choosing a relationship in the first place.  So when Katie and I broke up for the last time, the one lingering concern above all that I lost regarding the pursuit of a lasting, enriching love, was a skepticism about my ability to pick out the foundation of a good relationship from a bad one.  Was I naturally attracted to self-destruction or conflict?  Did I attract unstable people?  Was the chemistry I got caught up in hormones and  opportunity at work, or the byproduct of some deep seeded emotional needs or deficiencies possessed by myself and the people I connected to in that way?

All of those concerns  had me second guessing my intentions in interpersonal interactions with porous boundaries.  Like I mentioned before, having very clear cut boundaries is a Godsend for me, because of all the confusion I see with them as a part of modern relationships, and aspects of my own personal history.  Those who don't learn from their past are doomed to repeat it.  It's insane to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results, and it's nihilistic to do the same thing over and over again and willingly accept negative consequences.  There are a multitude of proverbs and folk wisdom I can apply to keeping myself from getting myself into trouble, but that would be a waste of time when the real issue is how I feel about myself carrying on as I do these days.

I feel as if I'm a participant-observer in my own life.  Instead of just feeling things, I'm making note of the fact that I'm feeling things.  I've used this blog to write about the particular way my interactions with a few women in my life have made me feel. This is all outside of the realm of physical or emotional intimacy, because I'm simply just not that close to anyone in my life right now.  But still, in the absence of the wind, the lightest breeze is noticeable.  In a world full of beautiful women of varying degrees of confidence and emotional or romantic attachment, recognizing beauty is a natural reaction.  Being particularly attracted or captivated by one individual, that is a more unique experience for me.  It's such a curious thing, that I'm more inclined to ponder it than actively pursue it, mainly because of my track record with attraction.  I don't make things easy for myself in that department for whatever reason, and thus far it's only ended well when I spared myself the indignity of the foregone conclusions I chose to disbelieve to invest the ways I have in the past.  Those losses had consequences I can't live in denial of.  Anyway, I find myself mesmerized by the power a person can have when you are undeniably attracted to them.  At the same time, I'm fascinated by the thought process attractive people have when they are aware of their ability to do so, and how they choose to make use of it for whatever purposes, or are unaware of it, in denial of it, or try to overcome or suppress it to have social interactions unburdened by furtiveness of one sort or another.  It's the heady stuff of life we try to underplay or minimize as routine.  In reality it's actually overwhelming stuff and responsible for a lot of psychosis in this day and age or modern culture.

All that said, feeling like a raw nerve, sensitive to every nuance of communication, every potential opportunity to express desire and intention through inference, is all the more reason to take a step back.  At least, that's how I have been approaching it, because of my poor judgement.  Getting caught up in the moment when you have a desire for some semblance of sustainability with the positive things in your life is surefire way to undermine your best intentions.  I can't afford to justify my flight of fancy by having a devil may care attitude. Sometimes you have to step up and make the right choices ahead of time instead of trying to mill lessons out of the wreckage of  foolhardy whims pursued.  And yet, I want to build a rich life and share it with someone of like mind and spirit.  But this life we live gets all the more complicated with each choice we make along the way with lasting ramifications that carry forward even if those relationships don't.  It's in those moments where the Id just wants the Ego to check out completely.  That's exactly why I refuse to let it.  My Id is relentless, and because of that, my Ego and Super Ego have to be as well, to keep the "Me" I know in check.  Balance is key.  I don't have a lot going for me beyond the comfort I create for others when I'm projecting an even keeled, well adjusted vibe.  Then again, what's that got me in the long haul?

Get Over It

So, I wrote myself a theme for this moment in my life to power me through what it would be fair to call a rough patch, though I've taken it in stride.

Get Over it


Honestly, where do I start?
the holes are round, all I got is square pegs
still i insist on playing it out
to bake a cake you gotta break some eggs

that's how it's done so get over it
no other way, you best get over it
the cross you bare, you gotta shoulder it
to err is human, so just get over it

I've said and done some careless things
had my share of wounds that slowly healed
taking flight, but only angels have wings
enjoy the fall, the landing's gonna sting

that's how it goes, so get over it
dust yourself off and get over it
maybe this is not your fate, let go of it
it's another obstacle, get over it

Where Did It All Go Wrong?

Let me take a deep breath.  I like this song a lot.  At a time when I'd all but written off Oasis, largely because of the lack of empathy they seemed to generate, here came Noel with this pleading, melancholy melody and lyric.  Though the production was contemporary at the time, to me the tone and melody felt like something I might hear in the mid 80s, by Phil Collins or Mike and the Mechanics (think Home by the Sea or Silent Running).  Those where formative years for me in a major way.  It was when my parents divorced, so I was an emotional wreck, an 8 year old misanthrope dealing with my world shattering less than a year removed from the first death I can remember, that of my paternal Grandfather.  The fallout of these events radically altered the trajectory of my life.

I've written about how my body betrayed me, and I'm pretty sure I've written about the impact of my parents personalities on the formation of my own, but I skimp on details.  I neglect the things that make "belonging" and "conforming" so bothersome for me.  I am not normal, I just am not.  I am physically uncommon.   I'm Black, a minority group member, so there was already isolation as a result of being singled out among the majority.  I was the youngest of three children, the only boy, four years younger than my closest sibling, so I was the odd man out at home.  I had an antagonistic relationship with my sisters and mother, and my father was an Enigmatic Icon.  I ended up feeling more emotional attachment to my dog than my family, and then my friends outside of home.   I lost all hope of getting lost in a crowd of  people my own color by the time I was 13 years old and 6'2".  It was a wrap.  After that point I went from being tall for my age, to uncommonly tall, to abnormally tall.  So, my skin color and my height rendered me a physical minority within a minority.  Then there are the cultural issues.

Growing up in the early 80s pop culture was still the primary influence on kids.  It wasn't colorblind, but it was wide open.  Michael Jackson & Prince were Mega Stars, and shared the limelight with Madonna and Cyndi Lauper.  Eccentricity was the norm.  Boy George didn't seem like a weirdo to most of the 8 year olds I knew.  Then again, I thought Boy George was a nickname, and didn't realize George was a Boy for a good long while.  In my eyes Elton John and Billy Joel where the same guy musically, and I had no interest in either or their sexual orientations.  I'm Still Still Standing and For the Longest Time were just catchy songs.  I didn't care that Annie Lennox was ambiguous, the Eurythmics just had great songs.

There were a few things I knew for certain.  Cruel Summer by Bananarama was on the soundtrack of Karate Kid, and was one of the songs that came out when my parents separated and it seemed so fitting. Shout by Tears For Fears came out that summer too, as if sent from on high, to give me something to focus on other than the Sky Falling.  I remember seeing promos for Miami Vice's debut set to In the Air Tonight and playing a toy electric guitar I was given with its push-buttons, even though the track is mostly keys and drum loops until the the breakdown, save for those sweeping lead lines that I couldn't have picked out back in the day with my limited understanding of music.  There was so much melancholy in the music undercutting the glamour and flash of that day and age.  Leave it to Prince and The Police to put it completely over the top...  They made depression dance-able. They made it popular.  I would have to say, seeing the video, as well as repeatedly playing the 12" single of Owner of A Lonely Heart I found in my parents' record collection hammered in my understanding of what it meant to be solitary.  It was only through Hip Hop that I got a sense of vigilance and defiance about my own identity as a person. Maybe I could have found that in Punk Rock, but at that time I hadn't heard anything like that that would have appealed to my taste in music.  I was raised on pop, rock, and r & b through the mainstream media.

My fondness for the music of my childhood and refusal to let go of those tastes created a problem once the music world started to slide back into the old-timey tradition of "Race Music".  It can be argued that the return to music segregation was inspired largely by the popularity of Hip Hop & New Jack Swing.  Along with my move to a more segregated community, the expansion of the urban music market made it possible to completely avoid listening to pop music, which to many people my age & race, became "White" music.  As I learned more about embracing the cultural legacy of being African American musical prejudice became a habit, and it was only via tracing back samples used for backing tracks in a lot of songs that I got reacquainted/ reintroduced to the value of popular music past and present.  The catch is, in doing this, I alienated myself from my friends who weren't ready or willing to embrace something outside of what was culturally acceptable for young black kids at that time.  I ended up gravitating towards rappers who seemed to care less about fitting in, and more about finding things they liked.  This put me on the fringe of the subculture within a subculture.  By that time I'd found a few Black rock groups to dig and it became possible for me to breach the cultural-musical divide without breaching the racial one.  Living Colour, Fishbone, Seal  (my first taste of 90s electronica honestly), and Lenny Kravitz (which they actually played on Video Vibrations, which is where I first saw it one day, waiting for Rap City to come on after school!), were inspirations, albeit with limited exposure, if any on BET or Mtv in the long haul.

Those folks pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable made it possible for me to be a musical explorer.  I have to give some credit to the Video Jukebox for turning things on their head too.  They played Smells Like Teen Spirit so much I had to cave in and listen to "that one song" with the amber hued video at least once, and that was all it took.  I bought Nevermind on cassette but nothing else from the grunge era back in 91', my last year as a normally sized human.  After that I joined Columbia House and BMG, I ordered nearly all the Hip Hop cds they had in their catalog and then started working in on classic R&B and soul, and once I exhausted that, and had reached the zenith of my alienation, I went ahead and got two rock cds:  Jimi Hendrix - The Ultimate Experience & Black Sabbath - Paranoid.  I kept this music to myself, with no expectation that any of my friends would give it a chance.

Rock & Roll was a solitary thing for me.  My interest in it was a means by which to alienate myself from my peers, save for a few, although I did have a friend or two concede to liking Teen Spirit or Jeremy, the latter being an anthem of sorts given my feelings of alienation.  My rejection of norms in my artistic interests (I was still an avid comic book fan at that time and video gamer) coincided with my rejection of other stereotypical or characteristic facets of my identity.  I lost interest in competitive athletics, the local franchises, and anything exclusively marketed for a particular demographic I identified with that seemed cliche or corny.  I became aggressively contrary as a means to self-actualize in the face of disappointing points of identification from my childhood.  After spending two months bed-ridden and wheelchair bound after elective surgery was performed on both my feet by my podiatrist I got serious about believing in God and being a Christian.  Though it may be hard for some people to believe in this age of polarized political and cultural rhetoric, there was possibly no smaller minority among the social circles I was exposed to during high school than vocal Christians.  You did your thing if you believed in God or Jesus, but you did it quietly.

All of those choices pretty much pigeon-holed my prospects in my social life, and ultimately my future by merit of limiting my options in who or what I was willing to relate to, and vice versa.  It was a trap, one I couldn't/ can't escape without getting over myself.  But then came the "have it your way" age of instant gratification by way of the internet, complicating matters.  It allowed me to isolate myself further with more contrary choices in interests and activities.  It also made it more likely for others to have the freedom to make those same contrary choices with there being less stigma against them.  Coupling is hard enough, but it's infinitely more difficult if you limit your options by what you're willing to accept, and what you force someone else to entertain.  By committing so much of my sense of self to disparate cultural interests, I've made it so compromise isn't a choice, it's destiny, and "settling" is the outcome of courtship.  The more even-keeled, humble and thoughtful people of the world will have more forgiving views, but when things get rough, and something about the person you're with rubs you the wrong way, it's going to be really easy to think to yourself, "Maybe if I'd have kept looking I wouldn't have chosen to be with someone who has an issue with ________?"  In some cases that's fair, sometimes we do choose poorly for ourselves because we are haunted by our emotional baggage, or material/physical consequences of our choices.  It's a rough trade, this companionship thing.  With every choice we make, we add a panel to the maze that leads to our hearts and peace of mind.  When the things we choose isolate us from others, those panels are mirrors.

F!#*in Up - Definitely NSFW "Not Safe For Work"

I love that the guitar riff borrows from Born on the Bayou in the best possible way.  I love the the background vocals "Why do I???" pull from the best parts of classic rock on such a raucous tune. I'm not surprised that so many people call this song a personal anthem.  To err is human after all.  Well, this song wasn't on my mind at all this week, but now that the weekend is here, and the work week ended the way it did, there is No Other Song that bookends this week better than this one.  I call it "Road Rock", music to drive to, but given the subject, I'd call this "Speed Trap Rock", music to get pulled over to.

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got...

I wish I had that kind of resolve, that kind of conviction, to be content and thankful for my circumstances.  But I'm undone by who and what I am.  That silly phrase that presages upheaval, "The Heart Wants What It Wants." gets the best of me every time.  What that entails is something that varies.

So, for the better part of a year perhaps, I've found myself drawn towards someone. I've written about her, about the precarious circumstances that have left me kicking myself for being so enamored.  You see, everything I know about my situation, about this person, tells me that I am beating up the wrong bush.  Part of it is brutal self-awareness of my shortcomings and flaws, part of it is an awareness of her and other people's perception of those flaws, or ignorance of them.  Then there's her circumstances, flaws, known and unknown to me.  My conscious and unconscious mind have both given me pause and kept me from diving headlong into murky waters that most would assume are shallow.  So why am I drawn?

The most troubling thing about this is, it's kept me mentally engaged on such a level that I can recognize beauty, attraction, sweetness, in other women, even a certain amount of chemistry of whatever sort, but the strength of those connections has yet to trump the lock that this situation, this woman has managed to (un)intentionally put on my passions.  True enough, the notion of the "Love Bank" is in play, and I can't think of any withdrawal that measures against the deposits she's made in kind words, appreciation, general good nature, and personal attributes that I find attractive, most of which I didn't even recognize beforehand because I always saw her as unavailable.  Once that perception changed, it was as if something had changed in my brain chemistry, and perhaps it did?  But what does that matter if my inner mind's eye sees the flaw in my fascination.

Since I've been single, and ready to make myself available (debatable if that latter part is true) I've been troubled by my lack of desire and motivation to advance my interest in anyone romantically.  As much as it feels like that has changed in this situation, it hasn't really.  But the feel of it did, even if it only seemed to do so in a situation that is about as untenable and potentially frustrating and wrong-headed as any I've been involved in before.  I have a knack for getting wrapped up in women who are either in the midst of emotional tumults looking for islands of serenity to gather their whits, aka the rebound guy, or a surrogate for a counselor in the form of an overly involved relationship.  I don't trust my taste in women for this reason, at least the emotional temperaments that draw me in and get me to lower my guard.   Sans that pull, I either accept something I'm not driven to pursue, and let it wither on the vine, or, in its presence, become a man possessed, fixated on something that for all intents and purposes seems like a fool's errand. I dread to find myself on a path to a circumstance I will be resentful of when contrasted with the things I'm seeking to avoid in life, especially when taking the relationships of the people I was raised by into account.

So here in this situation, this cluster-bomb of misgivings, I have emotionally latched onto empathizing for someone who seems to want to be loved, learned to cope with being denied, but probably isn't looking at me to be a source of affection and devotion.  But that hasn't stopped me from wanting something for her, wishing I could be the source of it, even if it seems like the cost of doing so exceeds what I'm willing to sacrifice when left to my own devices, clear headed, and released from the pull of my emotions.  The availability of an opportunity may very well be an illusion.  The difference between knowing better and doing better seems like a small span, but it's a vast chasm.

When you definitely are the wiser, but can't shake the urge to proceed forward down the treacherous path of a predetermined fate all the same, I guess it's fair to say you shouldn't be upset when you get what's coming to you.  The reality is, none of this would be a problem, even merit a thought, if in place of solitude and conjecture, confusion and projection, I just had someone I could always turn to, that always cared, that was available to me, whose time and attention I didn't have to compete for.  That would be a lot easier to pursue if I wasn't so wrapped up in this situation and everything it entails. The nebulousness of it all is suffocating.  I truly need the steadfast gratefulness and faithfulness sung of in this song.  I long to not want what I haven't got, as much as I value what I have, if not more so.

What Sarah Said...

I personally feel this is one the most incredible Death Cab For Cutie songs musically, and the sentiment is pretty powerful, though I can't say I am 100% on board with that position.  This short film I stumbled upon set to it is very well executed and puts a twist on the meaning of the song I'd not fathomed.  But the something said by a Sarah I met as a college freshman is on my mind, and they're nothing like what the Sarah of this song said.

Sarah lived down the hall from me, was roommates with one of the more outgoing girls in my Freshmen bible study, and of the four roommates, she seemed like the mellowest.  I didn't get to talk to her much, but would run across her because she worked at the hall desk where my mail was delivered and they sold Twix, my vice of choice.  I never really got to know her in those chance encounters, then one night, while transiting between buildings via a basement walkway just wide enough for people to walk single file, tucked in a stairway just in the periphery of my vision I saw a figure.  It being the middle of the night I was startled, but I tried to keep my cool and not flake out in horror.  I did a double take, and realized there was a girl sitting in that stairwell, which lead to a fire exit from the basement walkway, crying.  It was Sarah.

I asked her if she was okay?  She wasn't (obviously). In so many words her heart was breaking, because she'd been let down by a young man.  It was an incredibly vulnerable situation for her, but she'd known me well enough, and of me, through her roommate, to not feel threatened in confiding in me at that moment, and what did it matter, who was I going to tell?  Regardless, we had a talk, and I'm sure I talked to her about my unrequited crushes to show solidarity and empathy.  I was averaging one denied infatuation every two months.  It was a tough adjustment, being in a college with 1000s of  young women, instead of a apartment complex with maybe 4 girls near my age, and a high school with a couple of hundred, so many I'd known long enough to turn them off beyond repair.  Anyway, after that night we were more apt to have conversations when I ran into her at the Hall Desk, or she ventured out with her Roommate who attended my Bible Study ( who would join us and confide in us about her own heartaches ). 

At this point, Sarah, having heard me wax poetic about my life trapped in the Friend Zone, in the midst of me explain how it happens, my drift from friend to attached emotionally, looked me square in the face and said, "Will, don't get any ideas."  It was about as straight forward and sincere as can be, with nothing but honest directness. It didn't feel like a put down or rejection at all.  She just made it clear, we were friends, and for me it was exactly what I apparently needed and wanted.  For her honesty she became one of the favorite friends I made that year, because she was just an honest good soul, and shared her heart and mind in kind.  I found myself wishing more girls I knew were like that, rather than being afraid to hurt a guy's feelings, or uncertain about their own due to their own self-esteem issues or co-dependent tendencies.  You know, maybe some people didn't feel they needed to say it?  Fair enough, but I'd say those girls were fooling themselves or didn't want to own up to having their own reasons for feeding the ambiguity.

Sarah was awesome in my book, someone I wished more young women were like, and still do to this day.  We eventually fell out of touch, which was pretty common for most of the college friends I got to know through mutual grief.  I figure it was just a part of moving on from the pasts that were hurt by and grew wiser from.  On the one or two random occasions where we crossed paths later in life*, she seemed like the same, mature and empathetic person she was then.  That's what I appreciated about her that so many of my peers seemed to lack.  She had her head on straight, and was sort of grown in ways none of use weren't.  She was self-assured, which was a very valuable and admirable trait to impressionable kids new to college and life out on their own surrounded by thousands of equally impressionable peers.

Here I am in my mid to late 30s, working with people of various ages, but all of us Older than Sarah and I were back then, still struggling with directness, honesty, and empathy in regards to where they stand with each other.  It just makes me appreciate what Sarah said to me all the more.  She listened well enough to know I was weak, and needed boundaries established.  Doing so liberated me from trying to interpret where they were.  Few others got that.  Few still do.  Stop being afraid to define your terms.  You miss out on the beauty of true friendship, and ultimately true love, as a result.  A person with strong boundaries can be trusted, will have their boundaries respected.  That's sort of person that's the marrying kind, because they will let you know when you're welcome to give your all as well, and that's the kind of acceptance we live for, are willing to die beside, like Sarah said...

* I'm thinking she was a nurse at MO Baptist when my father was admitted there in the late 90s, which she mentioned when we'd ran into each other at a Quicktrip in Columbia MO???  For her to be in Nursing really brings adds a thread of synchronicity to this post I didn't expect.  What else is new?