Desireless

So, back when Eagle-Eye Cherry was a thing, I was more intrigued by his pedigree and image than any particular song on his first album. The material left me completely unmoved, save for this beautiful tribute to his father, Don Cherry.

I've managed to work myself into a melancholy tonight, such that I want to write, but by my own rules, there isn't a song with words I want to listen to, or can evoke the mood I'm feeling.  It's a wordless recognition.  Of what?  Of the place I've created in my life to shelter myself and recover from the mental and emotional strain that comes from the ups and downs of living, of engaging with other people and investing in them, and their investments in me.

In a sense I'm feeling my solitude for what it is. I have to ask myself, is it a choice or a necessity, a consequence or an indulgence?  It's a little bit of all of that.  It's ambiguous and amorphous.  What I choose to do with it defines its impact on my feelings. I can make it a glorious time of self actualization, or I can put things in perspective and be contemplative about my past and my present, possibly my future.

I spend a lot of times just settling into myself, reconciling what I am, how that makes me feel, if it has or can ever evolve? I'm a curious person, a private person, and ultimately, a person who is wary of gambles, and more so, defeats.  One consequence of having a good long term memory is a recollection of every blow to the ego, every flight of fancy that crashed and burned.  Those upheavals, humbling moments that bring you down to earth... have a way of tempering your thoughts.  It doesn't take fear to keep you from making the same mistakes over and over, just a little disappointment is enough.  I've never been one to entertain an unpleasant experience for an after-effect that rang hollow.  It's this attitude that informs my state of mind at this moment.

The inquiry I have to stomach is this:  What is there that I am so greatly satisfied by, so enraptured by, that I would be willing to take a risk to have it in my life?  What am I willing to suffer for, and put above myself to have it in my company?  There really isn't much when I think about it.  If I'm being honest, the two things that win out above all others are Personal Freedom and Peace of Mind.  There are many ways to achieve these aims.  My actions have betrayed my convictions and my loyalties and passions are inward.  It just so happens that they are so deeply felt that they radiate outwardly and help me connect with others who seem to be of like mind.

If this is what it takes for me to be a well-adjusted, decent human being, I can't really complain.  When you can predict a future, you've got the freedom to choose different, if you want different.  I still don't.