Good times, Bad times, Halfway Times

Sometimes you have to let go of expectations in some situations.  Let things come as they may, and concentrate on being prepared for any and everything.  It can make you skittish and apprehensive, curious and paranoid.  It's a feat to be graceful under the pressure of imposed patience.  But if anything, I've learned that, at times when we think the timing was off, compatibility was askew, the reality is, attitudes determine our capacity for tolerance.  If we want to believe, then we will.  If we don't, any skeptical assertion will undermine our efforts.  So for me right now, in this interesting arc of my existence, I'm content to be a witness and a participant, going with the flow, but not letting it take me under.  For once being slightly detached serves my best interest, at least for now.  The songs linked above is from a time when I needed a breath of fresh air, a way to adjust my attitude and not get down about the happenings of my life, and it made me feel at ease, blessed to see that "It's still gonna be a great day in the morning."  And it is, no matter how things play out in the curious nights of spring renewal.

Que Sera Sera

Another gem I came across during my time at Rinehart's that took a common phrase and gave it something special, courtesy of Sly and the Family Stone.  It came into my life during a resigned Melancholy rut revolving around a dream come true that freaked me out, about a longshot that would fall short in the romantic department. She wasn't the one that got away, she was never there to begin with, but this young woman intrigued and inspired me, whether I was romantically interested in her or not. I just LIKED her as a person, in they way you wish someone was your twin, you just like being around them, what they have to offer.  I'm not sure I ever liked someone so much.  I have definitely loved more, but I really enjoyed her presence in my world.  I felt like there was someone out there who got it, who eased the burden of being upright I felt hampered by when my spirits were down, my sails without a whisper of lift.

The previous year, when I was in the throws of the international incident I made the acquaintance of another "cool" young woman.  She seemed to have her head on straight, her heart in the right place, and it was so easy to get along with her, just relate.  This was the kind of woman you crossed the world to pursue if she had an interest in you. Getting to know her made the affair I was engaged in seem all the more a mockery of  what I tried to convince myself it could be to justify the indiscretion and sin.

Neither of these young women were in my life very long, but for the moments they were friends with me, and shared a bit of their perspective and spark, I was a happy dude. Such are the luxuries of youthful ambivalence and unsettled lives.  It was a valuable lesson though, in not viewing people for how much you can get from them, but for what they are kind enough to share.  They don't have to be anything more than sweet people to know, and that's good enough for me. It also helps if they don't have any needs they want you to meet, or unmet needs they want to complain about either.  For me, Emma and Anna were people who primed me for being Ok with myself, by myself, and recognizing that as easily as friends may materialize, they may also vanish.

Of course not everyone you'll come to know will be a joy or "cool", and in those cases, Que Sera Sera is less comforting.  It might be resignation masking discontent.  In that case, invoke the serenity prayer, and exercise your freedom to vanish if need be. It's ok, there are 6 billion people on Earth, being alone is a choice.

it's probably me

the difference in how much a lover gets hurt depends on how well intended they are pursuing the relationship and how committed and invested they are. the more you give of yourself, the harder it is to recovery what you lost.  even if you agree to the terms of a relationship, if you want more than you have bargained for and give what you want without reciprocity, it is going to hit you a lot harder than the party that is less invested. but that is because of your own feelings. you could always decline an offer with questionable or unspecified terms. if you accept and come out on the short side of nothing, it is your cross to bear.  if you got mislead, that is another thing altogether. that is cruelty plain and simple. then again, insincere people probably assume everyone else is also insincere, so there's that. but that is not a justification for heart crimes. love and honesty are part and parcel.  we have to be honest with ourselves and then we can be honest with each other.

Castles Made of Sand, Fall Into the Sea, Eventually.

People deal in emotions, and divvy them out to each other unequally most of the time.  It's a constant effort to break even, or at least break away from the Casino, cause you'll go bankrupt trying to win back what you lost.  You'll appreciate the drinks, and the camaraderie of your fellow gamblers, but you'll resent the ones who took you for the most when they're on top and you're on the outs.  You'll have mixed emotions about the folks you bailed out with a loan who hit jackpot down the line, and you never do.  Such is the nature of vulnerability, emotional jeopardy, and holding on to hope when you're unfulfilled.  You reach for things that seem real, but they aren't made to last, and as the saying goes, easy come, easy go.

Our emotional states come in waves, and leave with them, whether we are ready for them or not.  It's a euphoric and horrifying thing to feel, depending on where you are emotionally, the size of the wave, and the strength of the riptide.

Welcome to the real world...

Epic Moody Jam from 95' during an Epic Moody Time of mourning in my life.  Still love this song when I'm in moods I just can't shake, like now.

Twitter Rant about Trayvon Martin & The Perception of Young Black Men

No song, just reality.

Every time I see a picture of Trayvon Martin, he looks so familiar, like I saw him before, like he favors someone I know.

When conceal/carry came up in 92-93' I opposed it cause I felt someone like me would get killed because someone else felt threatened.

I was a 17 year old black kid. I was way more vocal then. They wanted to interview me for the post dispatch, & I declined, had 0 media trust

so for some reason the rest of my tweets didn't come to FB, I wonder why? Here they are, Fire, Brimstone, & heart:

So this whole thing really hits close to home, & then I have my issues w/ the promotion of 1 stereotype of young blacks that's stuck & sells

We got sold Thug-Life and took some pride in it, that Alpha-male role, & no doubt, that image intimidates/scares folks. They sold us a trap.

Who are they? They is every person who's profited of the idea that an opportunistic, callous Black person is the most common variety.

We got sold "That N*gga You Love to Hate", to want to be The Outlaw Immortal, the N.W.A. The C.R.E.A.M. Mentality, Denzel's Oscar was 4 being Scary

GTA San Andreas makes Millions, it's just entertainment right, but along the way, what does the world know about being a Young Black man?

So when you notice so many songs, so many movies, so much TV, most people's first line of contact, featuring Blacks casts us as threatening..

this idiotic Murderer who Instigated the confrontation by stalking this Kid, in his head, was living out Grand Torino or American History X

And don't get me started on these inflammatory Talk Show personalities full of vitriol and Hot Air that profit from alienating & polarizing

There are Snakes serving up Apples/Pomegranates everyday, and we all take a bite each time we accept a piss-poor depiction of our humanity

When you embrace a half truth out of indignity or rebellion in the face of offense or abuse you're losing twice over, catharsis for a loss.

That said, I really hope everyone rocks a hoodie in honor of Trayvon in solidarity at some point, or thinks of him incidentally when they do

And I will also remember that the Klan rocks hoods too, & the Klan "rocked" the "hood" w/ this, cause it's Birth of a Nation playing out IRL

I Don't Even Care Anymore, Because I Care So Much...

That line, from that song, Yinin' & Yangin' by Victor Wooten, got me through some incredible pains a decade ago, a helpless situation of emotional entanglement I was powerless to change.  This song really helped me embrace letting go and finding peace in my own self-determination, and allowing other people the same freedom, and realizing that if I focused on doing my best and seeking righteousness, that it's up to others to recognize it when they view me.  Hearing this song, and embracing it's sentiment changed the tone of my personality, of my life experience.  And it's got a nice beat and you can dance to it.

That said, the desire to throw people under the bus has subsided, there's a little more peace and love to be had in whatever form it has taken, and the air has been cleared a little. Sometimes it feels like such a struggle to be heard.