Somebody that I used to know

My life is fully of those kind of somebodies.  I have this joke in my head that I will write about The Book of Names, or a more sacrilegious parody on the Lambs Book of Life.  In short it would just be a list of the names of all the girls/ women I made monumental mistakes getting emotionally attached to, or romantically involved with.  Oh and also those flat out crazy girls who I always kept at arm's length cause I could just tell.  And yup, the character traits and names seemed to match up.  Some of the stereotypes preceded my meeting the people who were so named, others were defined by that one impressive individual who defined it for me.

But I'm not going to do that.  I'm just gonna point out that the song linked in the title is the dopest thing I've heard in a LONG TIME, super feeling it right now, and I wouldn't doubt that my Ex of 4 years should really dig this song, more so because that list of somebodies for her is longer than mine, and the last time we crossed paths she was sorting out how she was going to reconcile her past. She was "kind" enough to reach out and "refriend" me a couple of years ago, after I'd spent the better part of a year after our break-up lowering my self to being a pathetically depressed nuisance each time she was struggling in the relationship with the coworker she left me for. I would reach out to splash around in my pool of self-pity, only to find out that she sought me out as a friend, to confide in about her new relationship and its troubles.  I never said I would be her friend.  My version of brutal-honesty over powered any moral philosophies I held, cause I KNEW I'd been screwed over, strung along, manipulated, betrayed, guilt-tripped, and  leeched from, and I let it happen.

So I was a taciturn prick, who honestly would have rather never heard from the girl again, pretend it never happened, all the while rereading our past messages, watching the profile picture associated with them change now and then, cluing me in on what was happening in her life, allowing me to make up my own version of her reality apart from mine.  I gave more than I'd ever given before, for someone who was truly special, and I can honestly say I don't know anyone anywhere near that special to me that I would be willing to give so much of myself to again.  It was a one time deal as far as I can tell.  Anyone who questions the reality of that just doesn't know the real deal, or me that well.  Getting over her, and it, was one thing, getting over myself was/ is something completely different.

When you get burnt out on love, distrustful of romance and relationships, you also develop a strange relationship with your romantic past.  You can get detached and take people and what they have to offer at face value and just "do it", whatever that it may be, with whoever might be willing to "do it"with you.

What strikes me as odd about that is that for the loveless and seeking that adopt that perspective, it also seems to downgrade your past flames as people you just "did it", whatever it was, with.  The only thing I feel like I did with my ex was make a mistake. I failed with her, better said, we failed in tandem.  We ended up in a romantic relationship because I got to the point where I was uncomfortable maintaining a platonic friendship with her.  The alternative would have been to cease being friends, and That was my first reaction to the sense that her boundaries were paper thin, and my desires were a flame waiting to burn them away.  Burn we did, bright and then out.  I mourned our relationship before it began because I felt it was doomed before it even started, and thus it seemed miraculous when it was working.  But, with my being nearly 7 years older, and at a different transitional point in my life, in my gut, I knew, once we'd both come out of the unsettled moments in our lives at that time, the chances of  us working towards the kind of life we could pursue that would gratify us both were slim to none.  I let myself believe otherwise at times, drunk the Kool-Aid of love.  I don't even like Kool-Aid.

The spell wore off eventually, for both of us, and the principles we thought we held, powered us though the roller coaster of unmotivated courtship and growth that filled our relationship.  I wasn't ready to except that she'd end up just like every other girl I shared my heart with only to see it returned, undisturbed, "refused: return to sender" sans proper acknowledgement or appreciation, response or reciprocation.  In the end, that's all she is, and on some level all I imagined she'd ever be, cause I knew her as a friend long before I knew her as a lover.

I can honestly say that I recognize the marrying kind, a proper partner, and I'm not it, and I tend to be attracted to women who aren't either.  That is reason enough for me to set romance down like a drink I know I don't really want or need.  I can appreciate it for what it is, but I don't need it, don't much like the taste of it, like I don't need any of those entries from my Book of Names, my former Rescinded Fiance's included.  But I was the one who said, "You shouldn't need someone, they should be a bonus, that way you can't resent them."  The magic happens when you forget that you don't need them.  The relief / grief comes if/ when it's over and the illusion fades and you realize They're just somebody that you used to know.